TALK ABOUT YOURSELF
THIS MIGHT SOUND AS IF WE ARE SUGGESTING YOU BECOME A BORE, BUT WE ARE NOT. WE DONT INTEND THAT YOU SHOULD TRY TO DOMINATE EVERY SOCIAL CONVERSATION WITH A LENGTHLY ACCOUNT OF YOUR ACHIEVEMENTS, POSSESIONS AND QUALITIES. THAT KIND TO TALK ABOUT YOURSELF YOU WILL RECOGNISE AS ONE OF THE COMMON OFF-PUTTING BEHAVIOURS. WHAT WE ARE RECOMMENDING YOU TRY IS SELF-DISCLOSURE. THIS MEANS TELLING YOUR POTENTIAL FRIEND SOMETHING ABOUT YOURSELF THAT YOU WOULD NOT NORMALLY SHARE WITH JUST ANYONE. YOU MAY TALK ABOUT SOME PROBLEM OR DIFFICULTY IN YOUR LIFE AND YOUR FEELINGS ASSOCIATE WITH THAT. BUT SELF-DISCLOSURE DOES NOT HAVE TO BE ONLY ABOUT BAD THINGS, YOU MIGHT SHARE SOME PRIVATE, GOOD FEELINGS, AS WELL.
THE KEY IS THE INTIMATE NATURE OF THE INFORMATION THAT YOU SHARE. YOU ARE TELLING YOUR POTENTIAL FRIEND THAT YOU SEE HIM AS SOMEONE SPECIAL COMPARED TO THE GENERAL POPULATION, BECAUSE YOU ARE TRUSTING HIM WITH THIS INFORMATION THAT YOU WOULD NOT SHARE WITH CASUAL ACQUAINTANCES. BUT GO SLOWLY.
DR. ARNOLD LAZARUS, AN AMERICAN PSYCHOLOGIST, HAS SAID PEOPLE ARE LIKE ONIONS, MADE UP OF LAYER UPON LAYER..
PEEL YOUR ONION SLOWLY, IN DEVELOPING YOUR RELATIONSHIPS, JUMPING TOO FAST DOWN THE LAYERS IS ANOTHER OFF-PUTTNG BEHAVIOUR, BECAUSE THE OTHER PERSON WON'T BE ,READY TO MATCH YOU YET, SHE MAY SEE YOU AS COMING ON TOO STRONG AND BACK OFF AS A RESULT.
BEWARE OF MIND READING
PEOPLE ARE FOREVER GUESSING HOW OTHER PEOPLE THINK AND FEEL. IT'S NOT JUST WE PSYCHOLOGISTS WHO READ MIND, ITS EVERBODY, MIND-READING DOES SEEM TO BE A INIVERSAL BEHAVIOUR AND, IN THAT SENSE, UNAVOIDABLE. THE TRICK IS NOT TO RELY ON IT TOO MUCH. IN LIVING AND LOVING TOGETHER WE SPEND SOME TIME OUTLINING HOW DESTRUCTIVE MIND - READING CAN BE ESPECIALLY IN THE ABSENSE OF CLEAR COMMUNICATION. WHAT RESEARCH HAS FOUND IS THAT THE MORE STRAIN THERE IS IN A RELATIONSHIP, THE MORE UNREALISTICALLY NEGATIVE THE PARTNERS MIND-READING BECOMES. EACH WILL ASSUME THE OTHER FEELS AND INTENDS WORSE THAN IS REALLY TRUE.
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