THE POWER OF POW

                                    WHICH IS THE POWERFUL TIME - ITS NOW!

               I HAVE LITTLE USE FOR THE PAST AND RARELY THINK ABOUT IT, HOWEVER, I WOULD BRIEFLY LIKE TO TELL YOU HOW I CAME TO BE A SPIRITUAL TEACHER AND HOW THIS BOOK CAME INTO EXISTENCE

            UNTIL  MY THIRTEENTH YEAR, I LIVED IN A STATE OF ALMOST CONTINUOS ANXIETY UNTERSPERSED WITH PERIODS OF SUICIDAL DEPRESSION. IT FEESL NOW AS IF I AM TALKING ABOUT SOME PAST LIFETIME OR SOMEBODY ELSE'S LIFE. 

           ONE NIGHT NOT LONG AFTER MY TWENTY-NINTH BIRTHDAY. I WOKE UP IN THE EARLY HOURS WITH A FEELING OF ABSOLUTE DREAD. I HAD WOKEDN UP WITH SUCH A FEELING MANY TIMES BEFORE, BUT THIS TIME IT WAS MORE INTENSE THAN IT HAD EVER BEEN. THE SILENCE OF THE NIGHT, THE VAGUE OUTLINES OF THE FURNITURE IN THE DARK ROOM, THE DISTANT NOISE OF A PASSING TRAIN-EVERYTHING FELT SO ALIEN, SO HOLTILE, AND SO UTTERLY MEANINGLESS THAT IT CREATED IN ME A DEEP LOATHING OF THE WORLD. THE MOST LOATHSOME THING OF ALL, HOWEVER, WAS MY OWN EXISTENCE. WHAT WAS THE POINT IN CONTINUING OF LIVE WITH THIS BURDEN OF MISERY? WHY CARRY ON WITH THIS CONTINIOUS STRUGGLE? I COULD FEEL THAT A DEEP LONGING FOR ANNIHILATION, FOR NONEXISTENCE, WAS NOW BECOMING MUCH STRONGER THAN THE INSTINCTIVE DESIRE TO CONTINUE TO LIVE.

                     I CANNOT LIVE WITH MYSELF LONGER, THIS WAS THE THOUGHT THAT KEPT REPEATING ITSELF IN MY MIND. THEN SUDDENLY I BECAME  AWARE OF WHAT A PECULIAR THOUGHT IT WAS. AM I ONE OR TWO? IF I CANNOT LIVE WITH MYSELF, THERE MUST BE TWO OF ME,  THE I AND SELF THAT I CANNOT LIVE WITH, MAYBE I THOUGHT ONLY ONE OF THEM IS REAL.

                 I WAS SO STUNNED BY THIS STRANGE REALIZATION THAT MY MIND STOPPED. I WAS FULLY CONSCIOUS, BUT THERE WERE NO MORE THOUGHTS. THEN I FELS DRAWN INTO WHAT SEEMED LIKE A VORTEX OF ENERGY. IT WAS A SLOW MOVEMENT AT FIRST AND THEN ACCELERATED. I WAS GRIPPED BY AN INTENSE FEAR, AND MY BODY STARTED TO SHAKE. I HEARD THE WORDS, RESIST NOTHING, AS IF SPOKEN INSIDE MY CHEST. I COULD FEEL MYSELF BEING SUCKED INT A VOID. IF FELT AS IF THE VOID WAS INSIDE MYSELF RATHER THAN OUTSIDE. SUDDENLY, THERE WAS NO MORE FEAR, AND I LET MYSELF FALL INTO THAT VOID. I HAVE NO RECOLLECTION OF WHAT HAPPEND AFTER THAT.

                    I WAS AWAKENED BY THE CHIRPING OF A BIRD OUTSIDE THE WINDOW. I HAD NEVER HEARD SUCH A SOUND BEFORE. MY EYES WERE STILL CLOSED. AND I SAW THE IMAGE OF A PRECIOUS DIAMOND. YES, IF A DIAMOND COULD MAKE A SOUND, THIS IS WHAT IT WOULD BE LIKE. I OPENED MY EYES. THE FIRST LIGHT OF DRAWN WAS FILTERING THROUGH THE CURTAINS. WITHOUT ANY THOUGHT, I FELT, K KNEW, THAT THERE IS INFINITELY MORE TO LIGHT THAT WE REALIZE. THAT SOFT LUMINOSITY FILTERING THROUGH THE CURTAINS WE LOVE ITSELF. TEARS CAME INTO MY EYES, I GOT UP AND WALKED AROUND THE ROOM. I RECONGNIZED THE ROOM, AND YET I KNEW THAT I HAD NEVER TRULY SEEN IT BEFORE. EVERYTHING WAS FRESH AND PRISTINE, AS IF IT HAD JUST COME INTO EXISTENCE, I PICKED UP THINGS, A PENCIL, AN EMPTY BOTTLE, MARVELLING AT THE BEAUTY AND ALIVENESS OF IT ALL.

                 THAT DAY I WALKED AROUND THE CITY IN UTTER AMAZEMENT AT THE MIRACLE OF LIFE ON EARTH, AS IF I HAD JUST BEEN BORN INTO THIS WORLD.

                  FOR THE NEXT FIVE MONTHS, I LIVED IN A STATE OF UNINTERUPPED DEEP PEACE AND BLISS. AFTER THAT, IT DIMINISHED SOMEWHAT IN INTENSITY, OR PERHAPS IT JUST SEEMED TO BECAUSE IT BECAME MY NATURAL STATE. I COULD STILL FUNCTION IN THE WORLD, ALTHOUGH I REALIZED THAT NOTHING I EVER DID COULD POSSIBLY AND ANYTHING TO WHAT I ALREADY HAD.

                     

            I KNEW OF COURSE, THAT SOMETHING PROFOUNDLY SIGNIFICANT HAD HAPPENED TO ME, BUT I DIDN'T UNDERSTAND IT AT ALL. IT WASN'T UNTIL SEVERAL YEARS LATER, AFTER I HAD READ  SPIRITUAL TEXTS AND SPEND TIME WITH SPIRITUAL TEACHERS. THAT I REALIZED THAT WHAT EVERYBODY WAS LOOKING FOR HAD ALWAYS HAPPENED TO ME. I UNDERSTOOD THAT THE INTENSE PRESSURE OF SUFFERING THAT NIGHT MUSH HAVE FORCED MY CONSCIOUSNESS TO WITHDRAW FROM ITS IDENTIFICATION WITH THE UNHAPPY AND DEEPTY FEERFUL SELF, WHICH IS ULTIMATELY A FICTION FO THE MIND. THIS WITHDRAWAL MUST HAVE BEEN SO COMPLETE THAT THIS FALSE, SUFFERING SELF IMMEDIATELY COLLAPSED, JUST AS IF A PLUG HAD BEEN PULLED OUT OF AN INFLATABLE TOY. WHAT WAS LEFT THEN WAS MY TRUE NATURE AS THE EVER-PRESENT I AM: CONSCIOUSNESS IN ITS PURE STATE PRIOR TO IDENFICATION WITH FORM. LATER I ALSO LEARNED TO GO INTO THAT INNER TIMELESS AND DEATHLESS REALM THAT I HAD ORIGINALLY PERCEIVED AS A VOID AND REMAIN FULLY CONSCIOUS. I DWELT IN STATES OF SUCH INDESCRIBABLE BLISS AND SACREDNESS THAT EVER THE ORIGINAL EXPERIENCE. I JUST DESCRIBED PALES IN COMPARISON. A TIME CAME WHEN, FOR A WHILE, I WAS LEFT WITH NOTHING ON THE PHYSICAL PLANE. I HAD NO RELATIONSHIPS, NO JOB, NO HOME, NO SOCIALLY DEFINED IDENTITY. I SPENT ALMOST TWO YEARS STTING ON PARK BENCHES IN A STATE OF THE MOST INTENSE JOY.

                          BEFORE I KNEW, I HAD AN EXTERNAL IDENTITY AGAIN. I HAD BECOME A SPIRITUAL TEACHER.