GETTING
THE EMOTIONAL BASICS
PARENTING TIPS
SAY TO TWO-MONTH-OLD BADY WAKE UP AT 3 A.M. AND STARTS CRYING, HER MOTHER COME IN AND, FOR THE NEXT HALF HOUR , THE BADLY CONTENTEDLY NURSES IN HER MOTHER'S ARMS WHILE HER MOTHER GAZES AT HER AFFECTIONATELY, TELLING HER THAT SHE'S HAPPY TO SEE HER, EVEN IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT. THE BABY, CONTENT IN HER MOTHER'S LOVE, DRIFTS BACK TO SLEEP.
NOW SAY ANOTHER TWO-MONTH-OLD BABY, WHO ALSO AWOKE CRYING IN THE WEE ASLEEP IS MET INSTEAD BY A MOHTER WHO IS TENSE AND IRRITABLE, HAVING FALLEN ASLEEP JUST AN HOUR BEFORE AFTER A FIGHT WITH HER HUSBAND. THE BABY STARTS TO TENSE UP THE MOMENT HIS MOTHER ABRUPTLY PICKS HIM UP, TELLING HIM, "JUST BE QUIET - I CAN'T STAND ONE MORE THING! COME ON, LET'S GET IT OVER WITH". AS THE BABY NURSES HIS MOTHER STARES STONILY AHEAD, NOT LOOKING AT HIM, REVIEWING HER FIGHT WITH HIS FATHER, GETTING MORE AGITATED HERSELF AS SHE MULLS IT OVER. THE BABY, SENSING HER TENSION, SQUIRMS, STIFFENS AND STOPS NURING. THAT'S ALL YOU WANT? HIS MOTHER SAYS, "THEN DON'T EAT, WITH THE SAME ABRUPTNESS SHE PUTS HIM BACK IN CRIB AND STALKS OUT, LETTING HIM CRY UNTIL HE FALLS BACK TO SLEEP, EXHAUSED.
HOW TO RAISE A BULLY
MUCH CAN BE LEARNED ABOUT THE LIFELONG EFFECTS OF EMOTIONALLY INEPT PARENTING - PARTICULARLY ITS ROLE IN MAKING CHILDREN AGGRESSIVE - FROM LONGITUDINAL STUDIES SUCH AS ONE OF 870 CHILDREN FROM UPSTATE NEW YORK WHO WERE FOLLOWED FROM THE TIME THEY WERE EIGHT UNTIL THEY WERE THIRTY. THE MOST BELLIGERENT AMONG THE CHILDREN- THOSE QUICKEST TO START FIGHTS AND WHO HABITUALLY USED FORCE TO GET THEIR WAY - WERE THE MOST LIKELY TO HAVE DROPPED OUT OF SCHOOL AND , BY AGE THIRTY, TO HAVE A RECORD FOR CRIMES OF VIOLENCE. THEY ALSO SEEMED TO BE HANDING DOWN THEIR PROPENSITY TO VIOLENCE, THEIR ALSO SEEMED TO HANDLING DOWN THEIR PROPENSITY TO VIOLENCE, THEIR WERE IN GRADE SCHOOL, JUST LIKE THE TROUBLEMAKERS THEIR DELINQUIET PARENT HAD BEEN.
THERE IS A LESSON IN HOW AGGRESSIVENESS IS PASSED FROM GENERATION TO GENERATION. ANY INHERITED PROPENSITIES ASIDE, THE TROUBLEMAKERS AS GROWN UPS ACTED IN A WAY THAT MADE FAMILY LIFE A SCHOOL FOR AGGRESSION. AS CHILDREN, THE TROUBLEMAKERS HAD PARENTS WHO DISCIPLINED THEM WITH ARBITRARY, RELENTLESS SEVERITY, AS PARENTS THEY REPEATED THE PATTERN. THIS WAS TRUE WHETHER IT HAD BEEN THE FATHER OR THE MOTHER WHO HAD BEEN IDENTIFIED IN CHILDREN AS HIGHLY AGGRESSIVE. AGGRESSIVE LITTLE GIRLS GREW UP TO BE JUST AS ARBITRARY AND HARSHLY PUNITIVE WHEN THEY BECAME MOTHERS AS THE AGGRESSIVE BOYS WERE AS FATHERS. AND WHILE THEY PUNISHED THEIR CHILDREN WITH SPECIAL SEVERITY, THEY OTHERWISE TOOK LITTLE INTEREST IN THEIR CHILDREN'S LIVES.
IN EFFECT IGNORING THEM MUCH OF THE TIME. AT THE SAME TIME THE PARENTS OFFERED THESE CHILDREN A VIVID - AND VIOLENT - EXAMPLE OF AGGRESSIVENESS, A MODEL THE CHILDREN TOOK WITH THEM TO SCHOOL AND TO THE PLAYGROUND, AND FOLLOWED THROUGHOUT LIFE. THE PARENTS WERE NOT NECESSARILY MEAN-SPIRITED, NOR DID THEY FAIL TO WISH THE BEST FOR THEIR CHILDREN, RATHER , THEY SEEMED TO BE SIMPLY REPEATING THE STYLE OF PARENTING THAT HAD BEEN MODELED FOR THEM BY THEIR OWN PARENTS.
IN THIS MODEL FOR VIOLENCE THESE CHILDREN WERE DISCIPLINED CAPRICIOUSLY. IF THEIR PARENTS WERE IN A BAD MOOD, THEY COULD GET AWAY WITH MAYHEM AT HOME. THUS PUNISHMENT CAME NOT SO MUCH BECAUSE OF WHAT THE CHILD HAD DONE, BUT BY VIRTUE OF HOW THE PARENT FELT. THIS IS A RECIPE FOR FEELINGS OF WORTHLESSNESS AND HELPLESSNESS, AND FOR THE SENSE THAT THREATS ARE EVERYWHERE AND MAY STRIKE AT ANY TIME. SEEN IN LIGHT OF THE HOME LIFE THAT SPAWNS IT, SUCH CHILDREN'S CAMBATIVE AND DEFIANT POSTURE TOWARD THE WORLD AT LARGE MAKES A CERTAIN SENSE, UNFORTUNATE THROUGH IT REMAINS. WHAT IS DISHEARTENING IS HOW EARLY THESE DISPRITING LESSONS CAN BE LEARNED, AND HOW GRIM THE COSTS FOR A CHILD'S EMOTIONAL LIFE CAN BE.
