HIS AND HERS
MARITAL ADVICE
GIVEN THE GRIM POTENTIAL OUTCOME OF THE DIFFERENCE IN HOW MEN AND WOMEN DEAL WITH DISTRESSING FEELINGS IN THEIR RELATIONSHIP, WHAT CAN COUPLES DO TO PROTECT THE LOVE AND AFFECTION THEY FEEL FOR EACH OTHER- IN SHORT, WHAT PROTECTS A MARRIAGE? ON THE BASIS OF WATCHING INTERACTION IN THE COUPLES WHOSE MARRIAGES HAVE CONTINUED TO THRIVE OVER THE YEARS, MARITAL RESEARCHES OFFER SPECIFIC ADVICE FOR MEN AND WOMEN, AND SOME GENERAL WORDS FOR BOTH.
MEN AND WOMEN, IN GENERAL, NEED DIFFERENT EMOTIONAL FINE-TUNING. FOR MEN, THE ADVICE IS NOT TO SIDESTEP CONFLICT, BUT TO REALIZE THAT WHEN THEIR WIFEBRINGS UP SOME GRIEVANCE OR DISAGREEMENT, SHE MAY BE DOING IT AS AN ACT OF LOVE, TRYING TO KEEP THE RELATIONSHIP HEALTHY AND ON COURSE (ALTHOUGH THERE MAY WELL BE OTHER MOTIVES FOR A WIFE'S HOSTILITY). WHEN GRIEVANCES SIMMER, THEY BUILD AND BUILD IN INTENSITY THERE'S AN EXPOSION, WHEN THEY ARE AIRED AND WORKED OUT, IT TAKES THE PRESSURE OFF. BUT HUNDREDS NEED TO REALIZE THAT ANGER OR DISCONTENT IS NOT SYNONYMOUS WITH PERSONAL ATTACK - THEIR WIVES EMOTIONS ARE OFTEN SIMPLY UNDERLINES, EMPHASIZING THE STRENGTH OF HER FEELINGS ABOUT THE MATTER.
MEN ALSO NEED TO BE ON GUARD AGAINST SHORT-CIRCUITING THE DISCUSSION BY OFFERING A PRACTICAL SOLUTION TOO EARLY ON - IT'S TYPICALLY MORE IMPORTANT TO A WIFE THAT SHE FEEL HER HUSBAND HEARS HER COMPLAIN AND EMPATHIZES WITH HER FEELINGS ABOUT THE MATTER (THOUGH HE NEED NOT AGREE WITH HER ). SHE MAY HEAR HIS OFFERING ADVICE AS A WAY OF DISMISSING HER FEELINGS AS INCONSEQUENTIAL. HUSBAND WHO ARE ABLE TO STAY WITH THEIR WIVES THROUGH THE HEAT OF ANGER, RATHER THAN DISMISSING THEIR COMPLAINTS AS PRETTY, HELP THEIR WIVES FEEL HEARD AND RESPECTED. MOST ESPECIALLY, WIVES WANT TO HAVE THEIR FEELINGS ACKNOWLEDGED AND RESPECTED A VALID, EVEN IF THEIR HUSBANDS DISAGREE. MORE OFTEN THAN NOT, WHEN A WIFE FEELS HER VIEW IS HEARD AND HER FEELINGS REGISTERED, SHE CALMS DOWN.
AS FOR WOMEN, THE ADVICE QUITE PARALLEL. SINCE A MAJOR PROBLEM FOR MEN IS THAT THEIR WIVES ARE TOO INTENSE IN VOICING COMPLAINTS, WIVES NEED TO MAKE A PURPOSEFUL EFFORT TO BE CAREFUL NOT TO ATTACK THEIR HUSBANDS - TO COMPLAIN ABOUT WHAT THEY DID, BUT NOT CRITICIZE THEM AS A PERSON OR EXPRESS CONTEMPT. COMPLAINS ARE NOT ATTACKS ON CHARACTER, BUT RATHER A CLEAR STATEMENT THAT A PARTICULAR ACTION IS DISTRESSING. AN ANGRY PERSONAL ATTACK WILL ALMOST CERTAINLY LEAD TO A HUSBAND'S GETTING DEFENSIVE OR STONEWALLING, WHICH WILL BE ALL THE MORE FRUSTRATING, AND ONLY ESCALATE THE FIGHT. IT HELPS, TOO, IF A WIFE'S COMPLAINTS ARE PUT IN LARGER CONTEXT OF REASSURING HER HUSBAND OF HER LOVE FOR HIM.
