THE KEY OF RELATIONSHIP

 

                           

                               SEVEN WAYS TO MAKE

                                    PEOPLE FEEL IMPORTANT

                     THE KEY TO EXCELLENT RELATIONSHIPS WITH OTHERS IS QUITE SIMPLE. MAKE THEM FEEL IMPORTANT. TO THE DEGREE TO WHICH YOU CAN MAKE OTHER PEOPLE FEEL IMPORTANT - STARTING WITH THE MEMBERS OF YOUR FAMILY AND THEN EXTENDING OUTWARD TO YOUR FRIENDS AND COWORKERS - YOU WILL BECOME ONE OF THE MOST POPULAR PEOPLE IN YOUR WORLD.

                      THERE ARE SEVEN WAYS TO MAKE OTHER PEOPLE FEEL IMPORTANT. THESE ARE SIMPLE PRACTICES THAT YOU CAN LEARN THROUGH REPETITION.

                    ACCEPT PEOPLE THE WAY THEY ARE : ONE OF THE DEEPEST CRAVINGS OF HUMAN NATURE IS TO BE ACCEPTED BY OTHER PEOPLE WITHOUT JUDGMENT, EVALUATION, OR CRITICISM. PSYCHOLOGISTS CALL THIS BAHAVIOR "UNCONDITIONAL POSITIVE REGARD". THIS IS WHEN YOU ACCEPT THE OTHER PERSON COMPLETELY, WITHOUT RESERVATION,FOR EXACTLY THE WAY HE OR SHE IS.

                  BECAUSE MOST PEOPLE ARE JUDGMENTAL AND CRITICAL, TO BE UNCONDITONALLY ACCEPTED BY ANOTHER PERSON RAISES THAT PERSON'S SELF-ESTEEM, REINFORCES HIS OR HER SELF-IMAGE, AND MAKES THAT PERSON FEEL HAPPY ABOUT HIM OR HERSELF.

                  IN THE MOVIE, BRIDGET JONES DIARY, THE ENTIRE FOCUS WAS ON THE DISCOVERY BY BRIDGET THAT SHE HAD FOUND A MAN "WHO LIKES ME JUST THE WAY I AM". THIS WAS CONSIDERED TO BE SUCH AN AMAZING THING TO HAPPEN. ALL HER FRIENDS WERE ASTONISHED THAT ANYONE COULD EVER HAVE A RELATIONSHIP BASED ON UNCONDITIONAL ACCEPTANCE BY ANOTHER PERSON.

                  WHEN YOU LOOK AT OTHER PEOPLE AND GIVE THEM A GENUINE SMILE, THEY FEEL HAPPIER ABOUT THEMSELVES. THEIR SELF-ESTEEM GOES UP. THEY FEEL MORE VALUABLE AND IMPORTANT. 

                     WHEN YOU STOP THINKING ABOUT YOURSELF AND THE IMPRESSION YOU ARE MAKING ON OTHERS AND INSTEAD START THINKING ABOUT OTHERS AND THE IMPRESSION YOU ARE MAKING ON OTHERS AND INSTEAD START THINKING ABOUT OTHERS AND THE IMPRESSION THEY ARE MAKING ON YOU, YOU CAN RELAX. YOU TAKE A DEEP BREATHE AND JUST SMILE AT PEOPLE WHEN YOU MEET THEM AND GREET THEM BOTH AT HOME AND AT WORK. IT IS ONE OF THE MOST POWERFUL SELF-ESTEEM AND RELATIONSHIP-BUILDING BEHAVIORS YOU CAN DO. SMILING AT PEOPLE WHEN YOU MEET THEM AND GREET THEM BOTH AT HOME AND AT WORK. IT IS ONE OF THE MOST POWERFUL SELF-ESTEEM AND RELATIONSHIP-BUILDING BEHAVIORS YOU CAN DO. SMILING AT PEOPLE MAKES THEM FEEL IMPORTANT AND VALUABLE.

                  SHOW YOUR APPRECIATION FOR OTHERS: WHENEVER YOU APPRECIATE ANOTHER PERSON FOR ANYTHING THAT HE OR SHE HAS DONE OR SAID, YOU RAISE THAT PERSON'S SELF-ESTEEM AND MAKE HIM OR HER FEEL THAT PERSON'S SELF-ESTEEM AND MAKE HIM OR HER FEEL MORE IMPORTANT. EXPRESSIONS OF APPRECIATION - FROM SMALL NODS AND SMILES ALL THE WAY THROUGH TO CARDS, LETTERS, AND GIFTS - RAISE PEOPLE'S SELF-ESTEEM AND CAUSE THEM TO LIKE THEMSELVES MORE. AS A RESULT, BY THE LAW OF INDIRECT EFFORT, THEY WILL LIKE YOU MORE AS WELL.

                     THE SIMPLEST WAY TO EXPRESS APPRECIATION IS TO SIMPLY SAY, THAN YOU. THE WORDS, "THANK YOU" ARE DEEPLY APPRECIATED IN ANY LANGUAGE, ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD. I HAVE TRAVELED IN NINETY COUNTRIES, AND THE VERY FIRST THING I DO IS LEARN THE WORDS "PLEASE" AND "THANK YOU" . EACH TIME YOU USE THOSE WORDS, PEOPLE BRIGHTEN UP, SMILE, AND FEEL HAPPY TO BE IN YOUR PRESENCE.

               EVERY TIME YOU SAY THAN YOU, IT HAS AN ALMOST MAGICAL EFFECT ON THE OTHER PERSON. IT MAKES HIM FEEL IMPORTANT AND FAR HAPPIER ABOUT BEING IN YOUR PRESENCE AND HELPING YOU WITH ANYTHING YOU NEED.

                     BE AGREEBLE :THE MOST WELCOMD PEOPLE IN EVERY SITUATION ARE THOSE WHO ARE GENERALLY AGREEABLE AND POSITIVE WHO QUESTION, COMPLAIN, AND DISAGREE ARE SELDOM WELCOM ANYWHERE.

                    WHEN YOU NOD, SMILE, AND AGREE WITH ANOTHER PERSON WHEN HE OR SHE IS TALKING OR EXPRESSION AN OPIONION, YOU MAKE THAT PERSON FEEL INTELLIGENT, RESPECTED, VALUABLE, AND IMPORTANT. WHEN YOU ARE AGREEABLE WITH ANOTHER PERSON, EVERY IF HE SAYS SOMETHING WITH WHICH YOU MAY NOT BE IN COMPLETE ACCORD, YOU MAKE THAT PERSON FEEL HAPPY TO BE IN YOUR PRESENCE.

                  IN MY WORK AS A PROFESSIONAL SPEAKER, I MEET THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE EACH YEAR. THEY COME UP TO ME AND OFTEN EXPRESS OPINIONS ON SUBJECTS ON WHICH I AM OFTEN WELL INFORMED AND THEY OBVIOUSLY ARE NOT. SOMETIMES THEY SAY RIDICULOUS THINGS THAT ARE EITHER NOT TRUE OR MAKE NO SENSE.

                IN EVERY CASE, HOWEVER, I SMILE AND AGREE, NODDING AND ASKING THEM QUESTIONS AND LISTENING TO THEM EXPRESS THEIR IDEAS AND OPINIONS. THEY GO AWAY FEELING THAT THEY HAVE HAD A GOOD CONVERSATION WITH THE SPEAKER AND THAT I PROBABLY AGREE WITH THEM. IT COSTS ME NOTHING AND IT MAKES THEM HAPPY. IT MAKES THEM FEEL IMPORTANT.

                SHOW YOU ADMIRATION : PEOPLE USUALLY INVEST A LOT OF PERSONAL EMOTION IN THEIR POSSESSIONS, TRAITS, AND ACCOMPLISHMENTS. WHEN YOU ADMIRE SOMETHING BELONGING TO ANOTHER PERSON, IT MAKES HIM FEEL HAPPY ABOUT HIMSELF. AS ABRAHAM LINCOLN SAID, 'EVERYBODY LIKE A COMPLIMENT". 

                  EXPRESS YOUR ADMIRATION FOR PEOPLE'S APPEARANCE AND SPECIFIC ITEMS OF THEIR CLOTHING OR DRESS. MEN ARE ESPECIALLY COMPLIMENTED WHEN YOU SAY SOMETHING NICE ABOUT THEIR TIES OR THEIR SHOES. WOMEN ENJOY BEING COMPLIMENTED ABOUT THEIR HAIR OR ANY OTHER ITEM OF THEIR APPEARANCE. PEOPLE SPEND A LOT OF TIME PUTTING THEMSELVES TOGETHER BEFORE THEY GO OUT.

                 YOU CAN ALSO COMPLIMENT A PERSON'S TRAITS OR CHARATERISTICS, SAYING THING SUCH AS, "YOU ARE CERTAINLY PERSISTENT, PEOPLE INVEST THEIR ENTIRE LIVES DEVELOPING TRAITS AND QUALITIES - ESPECIALLY POSITIVE QUALITIES - AND THEY FEEL FLATERED WHEN YOU NOTICE AND COMPLIMENT THEM ON THOSE QUALITIES.

               COMPLIMENT A PERSON'S ACCOMPLISHMENTS. TELL PEOPLE HOW MUCH YOU ADMIRE THEIR HOME OR OFFICE OR THE BUSINESS THEY HAVE BUILT OR THE POSITION THEY HAVE ACHIEVED IN THAT BUSINESS.

IMPORTANT HINT TO OUR RELATIONSHIPS

 

                CORRECTIVE FEEDBACK CAN

                            MAKE OUR RELATIONSHIPS.

                              IT IS STRANGE THAT SWORD AND WORDS HAVE THE SAME LETTERS.

                              EVE  MORE STRANGE IS THAT THEY HAVE THE SAME EFFECT IT

                              NOT HANDLED PROPERLY".

                                                                                                                   --- ANONYMOUS

                          MOST OF THE TIME OUR FRUSTRATION COMES FROM IMPROPER DEALSINGS IN OUR RELATIONSHIPS, I SAID TRYIG TO CONSOLE HARRY. AND THIS STEMS FROM OUR POOR COMMUNICATION, WHETHER IT'S OUR BODY LANGUAGE, ACTIONS OR WORDS, WE MUST TAKE FULL RESPONSIBILITY FOR OUR RELATIONSHIPS, I CONTINUED.

                             BUT IF I'M ALWAYS THINKING ABOUT WHAT TO SAY TO NOT UPSET, MY WIFE, THAT WOULD MAKE LIFE MISERABLE AND SO CALCULATED, HARRY RETORTED.

                              I SIGNED. HARRY YES, WE MUST CHOOSE OUR WORDS CAREFULLY WHEN WE ARE CORRECTING OTHERS, BUT BEFIRE THAT WE MUST LEARN TO INVES APPRECIATION IN THEM".

                              I SETTLED DOWN TO EXPLAIN IN DETAIL. 

                                          CORRECTIVE FEEDBACK: AN ART

                  BEYOND ANY OTHER NEED, THE GREATEST LONGING OF EVERY INDIVIDUALS IS TO GIVE LOVE AND TO BE LOVED. IT IS OUR RELATIONSHIPS THAT ALLOW THIS MANTRA TO COME TO FRUITION. HOWEVER, IT IS SURPRISING THAT THE RELATIONSHIPS WE CHERISH AND KEEP SO CLOSE TO OUR HEART CAN EASILY BE NEGLECTED AND ABUSED. FOR THE MOST PARTS, THIS IS NOT DONE ON PURPOSE, BUT OUT OF IGNORANCE AND AN INABILITY TO UNDERSTAND HOW ONE SHOULD BEHAVE. WE MAY HAVE THE RIGHT INTENTIONS BUT GIVING ADVICE INAPPROPRIATELY MAY DO MORE HARM THAN GOOD. THAT IS WHAY WE MUST LEARN TO DO IT PROPERLY. AND IT TAKES PRACTICE AND INTROPECTION TO DEVELOP THIS ABILITY. ANY TIME YOU FEEL THE NEED TO GIVE CORRECTIVE FEEDBACK TO SOMEONE, THINK OF THESE FOUR QUESTIONS.

                                      AM I RIGHT PERSON TO GIVE 

                                         CORRESTIVE FEEDBACK?

                    IS IT APPROPRIATE FOR YOU TO CORRECT THAT PERSON? THERE IS A JOKE THAT EVERY WOMAN THINKS THAT THE BEST CHILD IN THE WORLD IS HER CHILD, AND EVERY MAN THINKS THAT THE BEST WIFE IN THE WORLD IS THE NEIGHBOUR'S WIFE. WE WOULD ALL SCREAM AT SOMEONE ELSE'S CHILD WHO IS ABOUT TO INJURE ITSELF, BUT WE ARE NOT TALKING OF THOSE EXCEPTIONAL SITUATIONS. IN ANY OTHER SITUATION WOULD YOU GIVE CORRECTIVE FEEDBACK TO SOMEONE ELSE'S CHILD? WOULD YOU GIVE FEEDBACK TO ANOTHER'S SPOUSE? IN MOST SITUATIONS, YOU WOULD NOT. THEREFORE WE HAVE TO THINK, AM I THE RIGHT PERSON TO GIVE THIS FEEDBACK OR IS SOMEONE ELSE BETTER SUITED? AM I A RELATIVE? AM I A FRIEND? AM I AN AUTHORITY IN ANY WAY TO GIVE CORRECT FEEDBACK? IF THE ANSWER TO ANY OF THE QUESTIONS IS YES, THEN YOU CAN PROCEED TO THE NEXT ONE.

                     DO I HAVE THE RIGHT MOTIVE TO 

                                               GIVE CORRECTIVE FEEDBACK?

                      IT IS SAID THAT WE CAN CONTROL TWO THINGS IN OUR LIFE, OUR DESIRES AND OUR MOTIVES TELL US WHY WE WANT IT. IN MANY CASES, WE MAY CORRECT OTHERS BECAUSE WE WANT TO SETTLE OLD ACCOUNTS. WE MAY HAVE A GRUDGE AGAINST THEM AND WE MAY USE THE OPPORTUNITY TO CORRECT THEM, SIMPLY TO EXACT OUR VENGEANCE. BUT THIS SHOULD NOT BE OUR MOTIVE. IT SHOULD BE TO HELP THEM AS FRIEND. WE SHOULD BE CONSCIENTIOUS THAT OUR MOTIVE IS APPROPRIATE, WE WANT TO HELP THEM COME OUT OF THE WRONG THEY ARE DOING. FEEDBACK FROM A PLACE OF LOVE MAY SEEM UNPALATABLE, BUT IT TASTES THE SWEETEST IF DONE APPROPRIATELY AND HAS THE RIGHT EFFECT.

                         TAKING THE TIME TO ASK THESE FOUR QUESTIONS BEFORE GIVING SOMEBODY CORRECTIONAL FEEDBACK CAN CHANGE ONE'S LIFE. TO UNDERSTAND THEM DEEPLY, CONTEMPLATION AND DISCUSSION WITH SOMEONW MORE EXPERIENCED THAN ONESELF ARE REQUIRED AS EVERY SITUATION IS DIFFERENT. THE PRINCIPLES REMAIN THE SAME IN EVERY SITUATION, BUT THE APPLICATION MAY VARY ON A CASE-TO-CASE BASIS, DEPENDING ON THE GRAVITY OF THE SITUATION OR EVEN OUR RELATIONSHIPWITH THE PERSON. WE WOULD OUR CHILDREN. ONE SIZE DOES NOT FIT ALL, NEITHER DO OUR METHODS TO CORRECT.

                      THIS PRACTICE WILL TAKE SOME TIME TO IMPLEMENT, AND FORM INTO A HABIT, HARRY SAID, AS HE LOOKED AWAY FROM THE STEERING WHEEL MOMENTARILY TO LOOK AT ME.

                        YOU'RE RIGHT , I NODDED. HAVING THE KNOWLEDGE OF SOMETHING IS FAR FROM MASTERING IT. GIVING FEEDBACK BADLY IS AN ADDICTION . JUST AS A SMOKER KNOWS THAT CIGARETTERS CAN KILL HIM BUT SMOKES NONETHELESS, SIMILARLY THE WAY WE INTERACT WITH OTHERS BECOMES AN ADDICTION. WE KNOW WHEN WE ARE CARELESS, BUT OUR HABITS FORCE US TO ACT IN A CERTAIN  WAY.

                         HARRY'S EXPRESSION REVERTED TO ONE I HAD SEEN EARLIER IN THIS CAR JOURNEY. HIS FACE DROPPED AND HIS BREATHING SLOWED. WHEN I RETURN FROM THE OFFICE I AM USUALLY STRESSED, HE WHISPERED IAM NOT LIKE THAT GUY IN THE STORY. I REALLY LASH OUT OVER TRIVIAL COULD LEAD UP TO WHAT HAPPENED THE OTHER NIGHT. LALITA AND I GOT INTO A HUGE ARGUMENT OVER SOMETHING TRIVIAL WHICH I CAN'T EVEN REMEMBER NOW. THE FIGHT REACHED ITS CRESCENDO, AND SHE SCREAMED AT ME SAYING SHE WANTED A DIVORCE! DIVORCE? HOW CAN SHE WANT A DIVORCE AFTER ALL WE HAVE BEEN THOUGHT? AT THIS POINT. HARRY WAS TALKING TO HIMSELF, CHURNING HIS EMOTIONS. WHAT WOULD MY FAMILY THINK IF I GOT DIVORCED? WOULD MY FRIENDS JUDGE ME? I SUPPOSE BEING CARELESS ABOUT LITTLE THINGS CAN REALLY PROVE TO BE FATAL. BUT I REALLY DO LOVE MY WIFE, AND I KNOW I NEED TO CHANGE, BUT HOW CAN I EVER FORGIVE HER FOR SAYING SOMETHING SO CRUEL AND HURTFUL?

                            ANOTHER QUESTION LOADED WITH EMOTION, I THOUGHT TO MYSELF. I LOOKED OUT OF THE CAR WINDOW. WE WERE DRIVING PAST COUPLES HOLDING HANDS AND WALKING ALONG WITH COASTLINE. I SAID, LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT SOMETHING WORSE".

LOVE AND HATE RELATIONSHIPS

 

                                                                  RELATIONSHIP

                    UNLESS AND UNTIL YOU ACCESS THE CONSCIOUSNESS FREQUENCY OF PRESEMCE, ALL RELATIONSHIPS, AND PARTICULARLY INTIMATE RELATIONSHIPS, ARE DEEPLY FLAWED AND ULTIMATELY DYSFUNCTIONAL. THEY MAY SEEM PERFECT FOR A WHILE, SUCH AS WHEN YOU ARE "IN LOVE", BUT INVARIABLY THAT APPARENT PERFECTION GETS DISRUPTED AS ARGUMENTS, CONFLICTS, DISSATISFACTION, AND EMOTIONAL OR EVEN PHYSICAL VIOLENCE OCCUR WITH INCREASING FREQUENCY. IT SEEMS THAT MOST "LOVE RELATIONSHIP" BECOME LOVE /HATE RELATIONSHIPS BEFORE LONG. LOVE CAN THEN TURN INTO SAVAGE ATTACK, FEELINGS OF HOSTILITY, OR COMPLETE WITHDRAWAL OF AFFECTION AT THE FLICK OF A SWITCH. THIS IS CONSIDERED NORMAL. THE RELATIONSHIP THEN OSCILLATES SWITCH. THIS IS CONSIDERED NORMAL. THE RELATIONSHIP THEN OSCILLATES FOR A WHILE, A FEW MONTHS OR A FEW YEARS, BETWEEN THE POLARITIES OF "LOVE" AND HATE, AND IT GIVES YOU AS MUCH PLEASURE AS IT GIVES YOU PAIN. IT IS NOT UNCOMMON FOR COUPLES TO BECOME ADDICTED TO THOSE CYCLES. THEIR DRAMA MAKES THEM FEEL ALIVE. WHEN A BALANCE BETWEEN THE POSITIVE/NEGATIVE POLARITIES IS LOST AND THE NEGATIVE, DESTRUCTIVE CYCLES OCCUR WITH INCREASING FREQUENCY AND INTENSITY, WHICH TENDS TO HAPPEN SOONER OR LATER, THEN IT WILL NOT BE LONG BEFORE THE RELATIONSHIP FINLLY COLLAPSES.

                       

                        

                 IT MAY APPEAR THAT IF YOU COULD ONLY ELIMINATE THE NEGATIVE OR DESTRUCTIVE CYCLES, THEN ALL WOULD BE WELL AND THE RELATIONSHIP WOULD FLOWER BEAUTIFULLY - BUT ALAS, THIS IS NOT POSSIBLE. THE POLARITIES ARE MUTUALLY INTERDEPENDENT. YOU CANNOT HAVE ONE WITHOUT THE OTHER. THE POSITIVE ALREADY CONTAINS WITHIN ITSELF THE AS YET UNMANIFESTED NEGATIVE. BOTH ARE IN FACT DIFFERENT ASPECTS OF THE SAME DYSFUNCTION. I AM SPEAKING HERE OF WHAT IS COMMONLY CALLED ROMANTIC DYSFUNTION. I AM SPEAKING HERE OF WHAT IS COMMONLY CALLED ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP - NOT OF TRUE LOVE, WHICH HAS NO OPPOSITE BECAUSE IT ARISES FROM BEYOND THE MIND. LOVE AS A CONTINUOUS STATE IS AS YET VERY RARE- AS RARE AS CONSCIOUS HUMAN BEINGS. BRIEF AND ELUSIVE GLIMPSES OF LOVE, HOWEVER, ARE POSSIBLE WHENVER THERE IS A GAP IN THE STREAM OF  MIND.

               THE NEGATIVE SIDE OF A RELATIONSHIP IS, OF COURSE, MORE EASILY RECOGNIZABLE AS DYSFUNCTIONAL THAN THE POSITIVE ONE. AND IT IS ALSO EASIER TO RECOGNIZE THE SOURCE OF NEGATIVITY IN YOUR PARTNER THAN TO SEE IT IN YOURSELF. IT CAN MANIFEST IN MANY FORMS, POSSESSIVENESS, JEALOUSY, CONTROL, WITHDRAWAL AND UNSPOKEN RESENTMENT, AND NEED TO BE RIGHT, INSENSITIVITY AND SELF-ABSORPTION, EMOTIONAL DEMANDS AND MANIPULATION, THE URGE TO ARGUE, CRITICIZE, JUDGE, BLAME, OR ATTACK, ANGER, UNCONSCIOUS REVENGE FOR PAST PAIN INFLICTED BY A PARENT, RAGE AND PHYSICAL VIOLENCE.

              ON THE POSITIVE SIDE, YOU ARE "IN LOVE" WITH YOUR PARTNER. THIS IS AT FIRST A DEEPLY SATISFYING STATE. YOU FEEL INTENSELY ALIVE. YOUR EXISTENCE HAS SUDDENLY BECOME MEANINGFUL BECAUSE SOMEONE NEEDS YOU, WANTS YOU, AND MAKES YOU FEEL SPECIAL, AND YOU DO THE SAME FOR HIM OR HER. WHEN YOU ARE TOGETHER, YOU FEEL WHOLE. THE FEELING CAN BECOME SO INTENSE THAT THE REST OF THE WORLD FADES INTO INSIGNICANCE.

               HOWEVER, YOU MAY ALSO HAVE NOTICED THAT THERE IS A NEEDINESS AND A CLINGING QUALITY TO THAT INTENSITY. YOU BECOME ADDICTED TO THE OTHER PERSON. HE OR SHE ACTS ON YOU LIKE A DRUG. YOU ARE ON A HIGH WHEN THE DRUG IS AVAILABLE, BUT EVEN THE POSSIBILITY OR THE THOUGHT THAT HE OR SHE MIGHT NO LONGER BE THERE FOR YOU CAN LEAD TO JEALOUSY, POSSESSIVENESS, ATTEMPTS AT MANIPULATION THROUGH EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL, BLAMING AND ACCUSING- FEAR OF LOSS. IF THE OTHER PERSON DOES LEAVE YOU, THIS CAN GIVE RISE TO THE MOST INTENSE HOSTILITY OR THE MOST PROFOUND GRIEF AND DESPAIR.

                IN AN INSTANT, LOVING TENDERNESS CAN TURN INTO A SAVAGE ATTACK OR DREADFUL GRIEF. WHERE IS THE LOVE NOW? CAN LOVE CHANGE INTO ITS OPPOSITE IN AN INSTANT? WAS IT LOVE IN THE FIRST PLACE, OR JUST AN ADDICTIVE GRASPING AND CLINGING?

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