MARIAGE ADVICE FOR MEN AND WOMEN

                    

                                        HIS AND HERS 

                                     MARITAL ADVICE

                         GIVEN THE GRIM POTENTIAL OUTCOME OF THE DIFFERENCE IN HOW MEN AND WOMEN DEAL WITH DISTRESSING FEELINGS IN THEIR RELATIONSHIP, WHAT CAN COUPLES DO TO PROTECT THE LOVE AND AFFECTION THEY FEEL FOR EACH OTHER- IN SHORT, WHAT PROTECTS A MARRIAGE? ON THE BASIS OF WATCHING INTERACTION IN THE COUPLES WHOSE MARRIAGES HAVE CONTINUED TO THRIVE OVER THE YEARS, MARITAL RESEARCHES OFFER SPECIFIC ADVICE FOR MEN AND WOMEN, AND SOME GENERAL WORDS FOR BOTH. 

                          MEN AND WOMEN, IN GENERAL, NEED DIFFERENT EMOTIONAL FINE-TUNING. FOR MEN, THE ADVICE IS NOT TO SIDESTEP CONFLICT, BUT TO REALIZE THAT WHEN THEIR WIFEBRINGS UP SOME GRIEVANCE OR DISAGREEMENT, SHE MAY BE DOING IT AS AN ACT OF LOVE, TRYING TO KEEP THE RELATIONSHIP HEALTHY AND ON COURSE (ALTHOUGH THERE MAY WELL BE OTHER MOTIVES FOR A WIFE'S HOSTILITY). WHEN GRIEVANCES SIMMER, THEY BUILD AND BUILD IN INTENSITY THERE'S AN EXPOSION, WHEN THEY ARE AIRED AND WORKED OUT, IT TAKES THE PRESSURE OFF. BUT HUNDREDS NEED TO REALIZE THAT ANGER OR DISCONTENT IS NOT SYNONYMOUS WITH PERSONAL ATTACK - THEIR WIVES EMOTIONS ARE OFTEN SIMPLY UNDERLINES, EMPHASIZING THE STRENGTH OF HER FEELINGS ABOUT THE MATTER.

                          MEN ALSO NEED TO BE ON GUARD AGAINST SHORT-CIRCUITING THE DISCUSSION BY OFFERING A PRACTICAL SOLUTION TOO EARLY ON - IT'S TYPICALLY MORE IMPORTANT TO A WIFE THAT SHE FEEL HER HUSBAND HEARS HER COMPLAIN AND EMPATHIZES WITH HER FEELINGS ABOUT THE MATTER (THOUGH HE NEED NOT AGREE WITH HER ). SHE MAY HEAR HIS OFFERING ADVICE AS A WAY OF DISMISSING HER FEELINGS  AS INCONSEQUENTIAL. HUSBAND WHO ARE ABLE TO STAY WITH THEIR WIVES THROUGH THE HEAT OF ANGER, RATHER THAN DISMISSING THEIR COMPLAINTS AS PRETTY, HELP THEIR WIVES FEEL HEARD AND RESPECTED. MOST ESPECIALLY, WIVES WANT TO HAVE THEIR FEELINGS ACKNOWLEDGED AND RESPECTED A VALID, EVEN IF THEIR HUSBANDS DISAGREE. MORE OFTEN THAN NOT, WHEN A WIFE FEELS HER VIEW IS HEARD AND HER FEELINGS REGISTERED, SHE CALMS DOWN.

                         AS FOR WOMEN, THE ADVICE QUITE PARALLEL. SINCE A MAJOR PROBLEM FOR MEN IS THAT THEIR WIVES ARE TOO INTENSE IN VOICING COMPLAINTS, WIVES NEED TO MAKE A PURPOSEFUL EFFORT TO BE CAREFUL NOT TO ATTACK THEIR HUSBANDS - TO COMPLAIN ABOUT WHAT THEY DID, BUT NOT CRITICIZE THEM AS A PERSON OR EXPRESS CONTEMPT. COMPLAINS ARE NOT ATTACKS ON CHARACTER, BUT RATHER A CLEAR STATEMENT THAT A PARTICULAR ACTION IS DISTRESSING. AN ANGRY PERSONAL ATTACK WILL ALMOST CERTAINLY LEAD TO A HUSBAND'S GETTING DEFENSIVE OR STONEWALLING, WHICH WILL BE ALL THE MORE FRUSTRATING, AND ONLY ESCALATE THE FIGHT. IT HELPS, TOO, IF A WIFE'S COMPLAINTS ARE PUT IN LARGER CONTEXT OF REASSURING HER HUSBAND OF HER LOVE FOR HIM.

MARRIAGE LIFE

       

         

                                THE RELATIONSHIP OF           

                                   HUSBAND AND WIFE

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                            👀  INTIMATE ENEMIES 👀

 

                               TO LOVER AND TO WORD, SIGMUND FREUD ONE REMARKED TO HIS DISCIPLE ERIK ENIKSON, ARE THE TWIN CAPACITIES THAT MARK  FULL MATURITY. IF THAT IS THE CASE, THEN MATURITY MAY BE AN ENDANGERED WAY STATION IN LIFE - AND CURRENT TRENDS IN MARRIAGE AND DIVORCE MAKE EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE MORE CRUCIAL THAN EVER.

                              CONSIDER DIVORCE RATES. THE RATE PER YEAR OF DIVORCES HAS MORE OR LESS LEVELED OFF. BUT THERE IS ANOTHER WAY OF CALCULATING DIVORCES RATES, ONE THAT SUGGESTS A PERILOUS CLIMB. LOOKING AT THE ODDS THAT A GIVEN NEWLY MARRIED COUPLE WILL HAVE THEIR MARRIAGE EVENTUALLY END IN DIVORCE. ALTHOUGH THE OVERALL RATE OF DIVORCE HAS STOPPED CLIMBING, THE RISK OF DIVORCE HAS BEEN SHIFTING TO NEWLYWEDS.

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                            THE SHIFT GETS CLEARER IN COMPARING DIVORCE RATES FOR COUPLES WED IN GIVEN YEAR. FOR AMERICAN MARRIAGES THAT BEGAN IN 1890, ABOUT 10 PERCENT ENDED IN DIVORCE. FOR THOSE WED IN 1920, THE RATE WAS ABOUT 18 PERCENT, FOR COUPLES MARRIED IN 1950, 30 PERCENT. COUPLES THAT WERE NEWLY WED IN 1970 HAD A FIFTY-FIFTY CHANCE OF SPLITTING UP OR STAYING TOGETHER. AND FOR MARRIED COUPLES STARTING OUT IN 1990, THE LIKELIHOOD THAT THE MARRIAGE WOULD END IN DIVORCE WAS PROJECTED TO BE CLOSE TO A STAGGERING 67 PERCENT . IF THE ESTIMATE HOLDS, JUST THREE IN TEN OF RECENT NEWLYWEDS CAN COUNT ON STAYING MARRIED TO THEIR NEW PARTNER. 

                        IT CAN BE ARGUED THAT MUCH OF THIS RISE IS DUE NOT SO MUCH TO A DECLINE IN EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE AS TO THE STEADY EROSION OF SOCIAL PRESSURES - THE SIGMA SURROUNDING DIVORCE, OR THE ECONOMIC DEPENDENCE OF WIVES ON THEIR HUSBANDS- THAT USED TO KEEP COUPLES TOGETHER  IN EVEN THE MOST MISERABLE OF MATCHES. BUT IF SOCIAL PRESSURES ARE NO LONGER THE GLUE THAT HOLDS A MARRAIGE TOGETHER, THEN THE EMOTIONAL FORCES BETWEEN WIFE AND HUSBAND ARE THAT MUCH MORE CRUCIAL IF THEIR UNION IS TO SURVIVE.

                           THESE TIES BETWEEN HUSBAND AND WIFE - AND THE EMOTIONAL FAULT LINE THAT CAN BREAK THEM APART -HAVE BEEN ASSAYED IN RECENT YEARS WITH A PRECISION NEVER SEEN BEFORE. PERHAPS THE BIGGEST BREAKTHROUGH IN UNDERSTANDING WHAT HOLDS A MARRIAGE TOGETHER OR TEARS IT APART HAS COME FROM THE USE OF SOPHISTICATED PHYSIOLOGICAL MEASURES THAT ALLOW THE MOVEMENT-TO-MOVEMENT TRACKING OF THE EMOTIONAL NUANCES OF A COUPLE'S ENCOUNTER. 

                                    SCIENTISTS ARE NOW ABLE TO DETECT  A HUSBAND'S OTHERWISE INVISIBLE ADRENALINE SURGES AND JUMPS IN BLOOD PRESSURE, AND TO OBSERVE FLEETING BUT TELLING MICROEMOTIONS AS THEY FLIT ACROSS A WIFE'S FACE. THESE PHYSIOLOGICAL MEASURES REVEAL A HIDDEN BILOGICAL SUBTYPICALLY IMPERCEPTIBLE TO OR DISREGARDED BY THE COUPLE THEMSELVES. THESE MEASURES LAY BARE THE EMOTIONAL FORCES THAT HOLD A RELATIONSHIP TOGETHER OR DESTROY IT. THE FAULT LINES HAVE THEIR EARLIES BEGINNINGS IN THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN THE EMOTIONAL WORLD OF GIRSL AND BOYS.

HOW OUR EMOTIONAL WORK (FEAR)

 

                         

                            EMOTIONAL RELEARNING

                                               (FEAR)

                         SUCH TRAUMATIC MEMORIES SEEM TO REMAIN AS FIXTURES IN BRAIN FUNCTION BECAUSE THEY INTERFERE WITH SUBSEQUENT LEARNING - SPECIALLY, WITH RELEARNING A MORE NORMAL RESPONSE TO THOSE TRAUMATIZING EVENTS. IN ACQUIRED FEAR SUCH AT PTSD, THE MECHANISMS OF LEARNING AND MEMORY HAVE GONE AWAY, AGAIN, IT IS THE AMYGDALA THAT IS KEY AMONG THE BRAIN REGIONS INVOLVED. BUT IN OVERCOMING THE LEARNED FEAR, THE NEOCORTEX IS CRITICAL.

                          FEAR CONDITIONING IS THE NAME PSYCHOLOGISTS USE FOR THE PROCESS WHEREBY SOMETHING THAT IS NOT IN THE LEAST THREATENING BECOMES DREADED AS IT IS ASSOCIATED IN SOMEONE'S MIND WITH SOMETHING FRIGHTENING. WHEN SUCH FRIGHTS ARE INDUCED IN LABORATORY ANIMALS, CHARNEY NOTES, THE FEARS CAN LAST FOR YEARS. THEY KEY REGION OF THE BRAIN THAT LEARNS, RETAINS, AND ACTS ON THIS FEARFUL RESPONSE IS THE CIRCUIT BETWEEN THE THALAMUS, AMYGDALA, AND PREFRONTAL LOBE- THE PATHWAY OF NEURAL HIJACKING.

                     ORDINARILY, WHEN SOMEONE LEARNS TO BE FRIGHTENED BY SOMETHING THROUGH FEAR CONDITONING, THE FEAR SUBSIDES WITH TIME. THIS SEEMS TO HAPPEN THROUGH A NATURAL RELEARNING, AS THE FEARED OBJECT IS ENCOUNTERED AGAIN IN THE ABSENSE OF ANYTHING TRULY SCARY. THUS A CHILD WHO ACQUIRES A FEAR OF DOGS BECAUSE OF BEING CHASED BY A SNARLING GERMAN SHEPHERED GRADUALLY AND NATURALLY LOSES THAT FEAR IF SAY, SHE MOVES NEXT DOOR TO SOMEONE WHO OWNS A FRIENDLY SHEPHERED, AND SPENDS TIME PLAYING WITH THE DOG.

                        IN PTSD, SPONTANEOUS  RELEARNING FAILS TO OCCUR. CAHRNEY PROPOSES THAT THIS MAY BE DUE TO THE BRAIN CHANGES OF PTSD, WHICH ARE SO STRONG THAT, IN EFFECT, THE AMYGDALA HIJACKING OCCURS EVERY TIME SOMETHING EVEN VAGUELY REMINISCENT OF THE ORIGINAL TRAUMA COMES ALONG. STRENGTHENING THE FEAR PATHWAY. THIS MEANS THAT THERE IS NEVER A TIME WHEN WHAT IS FEARED IS PAIRED IS PAIRED WITH A FEELING A CALM- THE AMYGDALA NEVER RELEARNS A MORE MILD REACTION, "EXTINCTION" OF THE FEAR, HE OBSERVES, APPEARS TO INVOLVE AN ACTIVE PROCESS", WHICH IS ITSELF IMPAIRED IN PEOPLE WITH PTSD, LEADING TO THE ABNORMAL PERSISTENCE OF EMOTIONAL MEMORIES.

                    BUT GIVEN THE RIGHT EXPERIENCES, EVEN PTSD CAN LIFT, STRONG EMOTIONAL MEMORIES, AND THE PATTERNS OF THOUGHT AND REACTION THAT THEY TRIGGER, CAN CHANGE WITH TIME, THIS RELEARNING, CHARNEY PROPOSES, IS CORTIAL. THE ORGINAL FEAR INGRAINED IN THE AMYGDALA DOES NOT GO AWAY COMPLETELY, RATHER, THE PREFRONTAL CORTEX ACTIVELY SUPPRESSESS THE AMYGDALA'S COMMAND TO THE REST OF THE BRAIN TO RESPOND WITH FEAR.

                       THE QUESTION IS, HOW QUICKLY DO YOU LET GO LEARNED FEAR? ASKS RICHARD DAVIDSON, THE UNIVERSITY OF WISCONSIN PSYCHOLOGIST WHO DISCOVERED THE ROLE OF THE LEFT PREFRONTAL CORTEX AS A DAMPER ON DISTRESS. IN A LABORATORY EXPERIMENT IN WHICH PEOPLE FIRST LEARNED AS AVERSION TO A LOUD NOISE - A PARADIGM FOR LEANED FEAR, AND A LOWER-KEY PARALLELL OF PTSD - DAVIDSON FOUND THAT PEOPLE WHO HAD MORE ACTIVITY IN THE LEFT PREFRONTAL CORTEX GOT OVER THE ACQUIRED FEAR MORE QUICKLY, AGAIN SUGGESTING A CORTICAL ROLE IN LETTING GO OF  LEARNED DISTRESS.

HOW TO BUILD YOUR CHILD WITH GOOD HABIT

 

                                             GETTING 

                            THE EMOTIONAL BASICS

                                        PARENTING TIPS

                         SAY TO TWO-MONTH-OLD BADY WAKE UP AT 3 A.M. AND STARTS CRYING, HER MOTHER COME IN AND, FOR THE NEXT HALF HOUR , THE BADLY CONTENTEDLY NURSES IN HER MOTHER'S ARMS WHILE HER MOTHER GAZES AT HER AFFECTIONATELY, TELLING HER THAT SHE'S HAPPY TO SEE HER, EVEN IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT. THE BABY, CONTENT IN HER MOTHER'S LOVE, DRIFTS BACK TO SLEEP.

                         NOW SAY ANOTHER TWO-MONTH-OLD BABY, WHO ALSO AWOKE CRYING IN THE WEE ASLEEP IS MET INSTEAD BY A MOHTER WHO IS TENSE AND IRRITABLE, HAVING FALLEN ASLEEP JUST AN HOUR BEFORE AFTER A FIGHT WITH HER HUSBAND. THE BABY STARTS TO TENSE UP THE MOMENT HIS MOTHER ABRUPTLY PICKS HIM UP, TELLING HIM, "JUST BE QUIET - I CAN'T STAND ONE MORE THING! COME ON, LET'S GET IT OVER WITH". AS THE BABY NURSES HIS MOTHER STARES STONILY AHEAD, NOT LOOKING AT HIM, REVIEWING HER FIGHT WITH HIS FATHER, GETTING MORE AGITATED HERSELF AS SHE MULLS IT OVER. THE BABY, SENSING HER TENSION, SQUIRMS, STIFFENS AND STOPS NURING. THAT'S ALL YOU WANT? HIS MOTHER SAYS, "THEN DON'T EAT, WITH THE SAME ABRUPTNESS SHE PUTS HIM BACK IN CRIB AND STALKS OUT, LETTING HIM CRY UNTIL HE FALLS BACK TO SLEEP, EXHAUSED.

                               HOW TO RAISE A BULLY

                             MUCH CAN BE LEARNED ABOUT THE LIFELONG EFFECTS OF EMOTIONALLY INEPT PARENTING - PARTICULARLY ITS ROLE IN MAKING CHILDREN AGGRESSIVE - FROM LONGITUDINAL STUDIES SUCH AS ONE OF 870 CHILDREN FROM UPSTATE NEW YORK WHO WERE FOLLOWED FROM THE TIME THEY WERE EIGHT UNTIL THEY WERE THIRTY. THE MOST BELLIGERENT AMONG THE CHILDREN- THOSE QUICKEST TO START FIGHTS AND WHO HABITUALLY USED FORCE TO GET THEIR WAY - WERE THE MOST LIKELY TO HAVE DROPPED OUT OF SCHOOL AND , BY AGE THIRTY, TO HAVE A RECORD FOR CRIMES OF VIOLENCE. THEY ALSO SEEMED TO BE HANDING DOWN THEIR PROPENSITY TO VIOLENCE, THEIR ALSO SEEMED TO HANDLING DOWN THEIR PROPENSITY TO VIOLENCE, THEIR WERE IN GRADE SCHOOL, JUST LIKE THE TROUBLEMAKERS THEIR DELINQUIET PARENT HAD BEEN.

                          THERE IS A LESSON IN HOW AGGRESSIVENESS IS PASSED FROM GENERATION TO GENERATION. ANY INHERITED PROPENSITIES ASIDE, THE TROUBLEMAKERS AS GROWN UPS ACTED IN A WAY THAT MADE FAMILY LIFE A SCHOOL FOR AGGRESSION. AS CHILDREN, THE TROUBLEMAKERS HAD PARENTS WHO DISCIPLINED THEM WITH ARBITRARY, RELENTLESS SEVERITY, AS PARENTS THEY REPEATED THE PATTERN. THIS WAS TRUE WHETHER IT HAD BEEN THE FATHER OR THE MOTHER WHO HAD BEEN IDENTIFIED IN CHILDREN AS HIGHLY AGGRESSIVE. AGGRESSIVE LITTLE GIRLS GREW UP TO BE JUST AS ARBITRARY AND HARSHLY PUNITIVE WHEN THEY BECAME MOTHERS AS THE AGGRESSIVE BOYS WERE AS FATHERS. AND WHILE THEY PUNISHED THEIR CHILDREN WITH SPECIAL SEVERITY, THEY OTHERWISE TOOK LITTLE INTEREST IN THEIR CHILDREN'S LIVES. 

  

                        IN EFFECT IGNORING THEM MUCH OF THE TIME. AT THE SAME TIME THE PARENTS OFFERED THESE CHILDREN A VIVID - AND VIOLENT - EXAMPLE OF AGGRESSIVENESS, A MODEL THE CHILDREN TOOK WITH THEM TO SCHOOL AND TO THE PLAYGROUND, AND FOLLOWED THROUGHOUT LIFE. THE PARENTS WERE NOT NECESSARILY MEAN-SPIRITED, NOR DID THEY FAIL TO WISH THE BEST FOR THEIR CHILDREN, RATHER , THEY SEEMED TO BE SIMPLY REPEATING THE STYLE OF PARENTING THAT HAD BEEN MODELED FOR THEM BY THEIR OWN PARENTS.

                      IN THIS MODEL FOR VIOLENCE THESE CHILDREN WERE DISCIPLINED CAPRICIOUSLY. IF THEIR PARENTS WERE IN A BAD MOOD, THEY COULD GET AWAY WITH MAYHEM AT HOME. THUS PUNISHMENT CAME NOT SO MUCH BECAUSE OF WHAT THE CHILD HAD DONE, BUT BY VIRTUE OF HOW THE PARENT FELT. THIS IS A RECIPE FOR FEELINGS OF WORTHLESSNESS AND HELPLESSNESS, AND FOR THE SENSE THAT THREATS ARE EVERYWHERE AND MAY STRIKE AT ANY TIME. SEEN IN LIGHT OF THE HOME LIFE THAT SPAWNS IT, SUCH CHILDREN'S CAMBATIVE AND DEFIANT POSTURE TOWARD THE WORLD AT LARGE MAKES A CERTAIN SENSE, UNFORTUNATE THROUGH IT REMAINS. WHAT IS DISHEARTENING IS HOW EARLY THESE DISPRITING LESSONS CAN BE LEARNED, AND HOW GRIM THE COSTS FOR A CHILD'S EMOTIONAL LIFE CAN BE.

HOW OUR EMOTIONAL FEELINGS ARE WORK

 

                             FEELING (EMOTIONAL)

                                         HEART START

                            THE IMPACT OF PARENTING ON EMOTIONAL COMPETENCE STARTS IN THE CRADLE. DR. T. BERRY BRAZELTON, THE EMINENT, HARVARD PEDEATRICIAN, HAS A SIMPLE DIAGNOSTIC TEST OF A BABY'S BASIC OUTLOOK TOWARD LIFE. HE OFFERS TWO BLOCKS TO AN EIGHT-MONTH-OLD , AND THEN SHOWS THE BABY HOW HE WANS HER TO PUT THE TWO BLOCKS TOGETHER. A BABY WHO IS HOPEFUL ABOUT LIFE, WHO HAS CONFIDENCE IN HER OWN ABILITIES, SAYS BRAZELTON,

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                             WILL PICK UP ONE BLOCK, MOUTH IT, RUB IT IN HER HAIR, DROP IT OVER THE SIDE OF THE TABLE, WATCHING TO SEE WHETHER YOU WILL RETRIEVE IT FOR HER. WHEN YOU DO, SHE FINALLY COMPLETES TEH REQUESTED TASK - PLACE THE TWO BLOCKS TOGETHER. THEN SHE LOOKS UP AT YOU WITH A BRIGHT-EYED LOOK OF EXPECTANCY THAT SAYS, "TELL ME HOW GREAT I AM".

                              BABIES LIKE THESE HAVE GOTTEN A GOODLY DOSE OF APPROVAL AND ENCOURAGEMENT FROM THE ADULTS IN THEIR LIVES, THEY EXPECT TO SUCCEED IN LIFE'S LITTLE CHALLENGES. BY CONTRAST, BABIES WHO COME FROM HOMES TOO BLEAK, CHAOTIC, OR NEGLECTFUL GO ABOUT THE SAME TASK IN A WAY THAT SIGNALS THEY ALREADY EXPECT TO FAIL. IT IS NOT THAT THESE BABIES FAIL TO BRING THE BLOCKS TOGETHER, THEY UNDERSTAND THE INSTRUCTION AND HAVE THE COORDINATION TO COMPLY. BUT EVEN WHEN THEY DO, REPORTS BRAZELTON, THEIR DEMEANOR IS "HANGDOG" A LOOK THAT SAYS, I'M NO GOOD. SEE, I'VE FAILED, "SUCH CHILDREN ARE LIKELY TO GO THROUGH LIFE WITH A DEFEATIST OUTLOOK, EXPECTING NO ENCOURAGEMENT OR INTEREST FROM TEACHERS, FINDING SCHOOL JOYLESS, PERHAPS EVENTUALLY DROPPING OUT.

                         THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE TWO OUTLOOKS - CHILDREN WHO ARE CONFIDENT AND OPTIMSTIC VERSUS THOSE WHO EXPECT TO FAIL- STARTS TO TAKE SHAPE IN THE FIRST FEW YEARS OF LIFE. PARENTS, SAYS BRAZELTON, "NEED TO UNDERSTAND HOW THEIR ACTIONS CAN HELP GENERATE THE CONFIDENCE, THE CURIOSITY, THE  PLEASURE IN LEARNING AND THE UNDERSTANDING OF LIMITS " THAT HELP CHILDREN SUCCEED IN LIFE. HIS ADVICE IS INFORMED BY A GROWING BODY OF EVIDENCE SHOWING THAT SUCCESS IN SCHOOL DEPENDS TO A SURPRISING EXTENT ON EMOTIONAL CHARACTERISTICS FORMED IN THE YEARS BEFORE A CHILD ENTERS SCHOOL. THE ABILITY OF FOUR-YEARS-OLDS TO CONTROL THE IMPULSE TO GRAB FOR A MARSHMALLOW PREDICTED A 210 POINT ADVANTAGE IN THEIR SAT SCORES FOURTEEN YEARS LATER.

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                         THE FIRST OPPORTUNITY FOR SHAPING THE INGREDIENTS OF EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE IS IN THE EARLIEST YEARS, THOUGH THESE CAPACITIES CONTINUE TO FORM THROUGHOUT THE SCHOOL YEARS. THE EMOTIONAL ABILITIES CHILDREN ACQUIRE IN LATER LIFE BUILD ON THOSE OF THE EARLIEST YEARS. AND THESE ABILITIES, AS WE SAW IN CHAPTER 6, ARE THE ESSETIAL FOUNDATION FOR ALL LEARNING. A REPORT FROM THE NATIONAL CENTER FOR CLINICAL INFANT PROGRAMS MAKES THE POINT THAT SCHOOL SUCCESS IS NOT PREDICTED BY A CHILD'S FUND OF FACTS OR A PRECOCIOUS  ABILITY TO READ SO MUCH AS BY EMOTIONAL AND SOCIAL MEASURES, BEING SELF-ASSURED AND INTERESTED, KNOWING WHAT KIND OF BEHAVIOR IS EXPECTED AND HOW TO REIN IN THE IMPULSE TO MISBEHAVE, BEING ABLE TO WAIT, TO FOLLOW DIRECTIONS, AND TO TURN TO TEACHERS FOR HELP., AND EXPRESSING NEEDS WHILE GETTING ALONE WITH OTHER CHILDREN.

                                 ALMOST ALL STUDENTS WHO DO POORLY IN SCHOOL, SAYS THE REPORT, LACK ONE OR MORE OF THESE ELEMENTS OF EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE (REGARDLESS OF WHETHER  THEY ALSO HAVE COGNITIVE DIFFICULTIES SUCH AS LEARNING DISABILITIES) THE MAGNITUDE OF THE PROBLEM IS NOT MINOR, IN SOME STATES CLOSE TO ONE IN FIVE CHILDREN HAVE TO REPEAT FIRST GRADE, AND THEN AS THE YEARS GO ON FALL FURTHER BEHIND THEIR PEERS, BECOMING INCREASINGLY DISCOURAGED, RESENTFUL AND DISRUPTIVE.

                          A CHILD'S READINESS FOR SCHOOL DEPENDS ON THE MOST BASIC OF ALL KNOWLEDGE, HOW TO LEARN. THE REPORT LISTS THE SEVEN KEY INGREDIENTS OF THIS CRUCIAL CAPACITY - ALL RELATED TO EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE.

                            👀 1. CONFIDENCE : A SENSE OF CONTROL AND MASTERY OF ONE'S BODY, BEHAVIOR AND WORLD, THE CHILD'S SENSE THAT HE IS MORE LIKELY NOT TO SUCCEED AT WHAT HE UNDERTAKES, AND THAT ADULTS WILL BE HELPFUL.

                           👀 2. CURIOSITY : THE SENSE THAT FINDING OUT ABOUT THINGS IS POSITIVE AND LEADS TO PLEASURE.

                        👀   3. INTENTIONALLY : THE WISH AND CAPACITY TO HAVE AN IMPACT, AND TO ACT UPON THAT WITH PERSISTENCE. THIS IS RELATED TO A SENSE OF COMPETENCE, OF BEING EFFECTIVE.

                        👀    4. SELF-CONTROL : THE ABILITY TO MODULATE AND CONTROL ONE'S OWN ACTIONS IN AGE-APPROPRIATE WAYS, A SENSE OF INNER CONTROL.

                       👀    5. RELATEDNESS : THE ABILITY TO ENGAGE WITH OTHERS BASED ON THE SENSE OF BEING UNDERSTOOD BY A UNDERSTANDING OTHERS.

                       👀     6. CAPACITY TO COMMUNICATE : THE WISH AND ABILITY TO VERBALLY EXHANGE IDEAS, FEELINGS, AND CONCEPTS WITH OTHERS. THIS IS RELATED TO SENSE OF TRUST IN OTHERS AND OF PLEASURE IN ENGAGING WITH OTHERS, INCLUDING ADULTS.

                        👀  7. CO OPERATIVENESS : THE ABILITY TO BALANCE ONE'S OWN NEEDS WITH THOSE OF OTHERS IN GROUP ACTIVITY.

                               WHETHER OR NOT A CHILD ARRIVES AT SCHOOL ON THE FIRST DAY OF KINDERGARTEN WITH THESE CAPABILITIES DEPENDS GREATLY ON HOW MUCH HER PARENTS - AND PRESCHOOL TEACHERS - HAVE GIVEN HER THE KIND OF CARE THAT AMOUNTS TO A "HEART START", THE EMOTIONAL EQUIVALENT OF THE HEAD START PROGRAMS.

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEEN HEAVEN AND HELL

 

                       

                                    HEAVEN AND HELL

                                         KNOW THYSELF

                          A BELLIGERENT SAMURAI, AND OLD JAPANESE TALE GOES, ONCE CHALLENGED A ZEN MASTER TO EXPLAIN THE CONCEPT OF HEAVEN AND HELL. BUT THE MONK REPLIED WITH SCORN, "YOU'RE NOTHING BUT A LOUT - I CAN'T WASTE MY TIME WITH THE LIKES OF YOU".

                       HIS VERY HONOR ATTACKED, THE SAMURAI FLEW INTO A RAGE, AND PULLING HIS SWORD FROM ITS SCABBARD, YELLED, "I COULD KILL YOU FOR YOUR IMPERTINENCE".

                          THAT'S THE MONK CALMLY REPLIED, IS HELL". 

                            STARTLED AT SEEING THE TRUTH IN WHAT THE MASTER POINTED OUT ABOUT THE FURY THAT HAD HIM IN ITS GRIP, THE SAMURAI CALMED DOWN, SHEATHED HIS SWORD, AND BOWED, THANKING THE MONK FOR THE INSIGHT.

                             AND THAT, SAID THE MONK, IS HEAVEN.

                          THE SUDDEN AWAKENING OF THE SAMURAI TO HIS OWN AGITATED STATE ILLUSTRATES THE CRUCIAL DIFFERENCE BETWEEN BEING CAUGHT IN A FEELING AND BECOMING AWARE THAT YOU ARE BEING SWEPT AWAY BY IT. SOCRATES' INUNCTION "KNOW THYSELF" SPEAKS TO THIS KEYSTONE OF EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE, AWARENESS OF ONE'S OWN FEELINGS AS THEY OCCUR.

                         IT MIGHT SEEM AT FIRST GLANCE THAT OUR FEELINGS ARE OBVIOUS, MORE THOUGHTFUL REFLECTION REMINDS US OF TIMES WE HAVE BEEN ALL TOO OBVIOUS TO WHAT WE REALLY FELT ABOUT SOMETHING, OR AWOKE TO THESE FEELINGS LATE IN THE GAME. PSYCHOLOGISTS USE THE RATHER PONDEROUS TERM METACOGNITION TO REFER TO AN AWARENESS OF THOUGHT PROCESS, AND METAMOOD TO MEAN AWARENESS OF ONE'S OWN EMOTIONS. I PREFER THE TERM SELF-AWARENESS IN THE SENSE OF AN ONGOING ATTENTION TO ONE'S INTERNAL STATES. IN THIS SELF-REFLEXIVE AWARENESS MIND OBSERVES AND INVESTIGATES EXPERIENCE ITSELF, INCLUDING THE EMOTIONS.

                       THIS QUALITY OF AWARENESS IS AKIN TO WHAT FREUD DESCRIBED AS AN "EVENLY HOVERING ATTENTION" AND WHICH HE COMMENDED TO THOSE WHO WOULD DO PSYCHONALYSIS, SUCH ATTENTION TAKES IN WHATEVER PASSESS THROUGH AWARENESS WITH IMPARTIALITY, AS AN INTERESTED YET UNREACTIVE WITNESS. SOME PSYCHOANALYSTS CALL IT THE "OBSERVING EGO", THE CAPACITY OF SELF-AWARENESS THAT ALLOWS THE ANALYST TO MONITOR HIS OWN REACTIONS TO WHAT THE PATIENT IS SAYING, AND WHICH THE PROCESS OF FREE ASSOCIATION NUTURES IN THE PATIENT.

EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

                                           AWARENESS

                          PLUMBING THE UNCONSCIOUS

                            ELLIOT'S EMOTIONAL VACUITY SUGGESTS THAT THERE MAY BE A SPECTRUM OF PEOPLE'S ABILITY TO SENSE THEIR EMOTIONS AS THEY HAVE THEM. BY THE LOGIC OF NEUROSCIENCE, IF THE ABSENCE OF A NEUTRAL CIRCUIT LEADS TO A DEFICIT IN AN ABILITY, THEN THE RELATIVE STRENGTH OR WEAKNESS OF THAT SAME CIRCUIT IN PEOPLE WHOSE BRAINS ARE INTACT SHOULD LEAD TO COMPARABLE LEVELS OF COMPETENCE IN THAT SAME ABILITY. IN TERMS OF THE ROLE OF PREFRONTAL CIRCUITS IN EMOTIONAL ATTUNEMENT, THIS SUGGESTS THAT FOR NEOTROLOGICAL REASONS SOME OF US MAY MORE EASILY DETECT THE STIRRING OF FEAR OR JOY THAN DO OTHERS, AND SO BE MORE EMOTIONALLY SELF-AWARE.

                          IT MAY BE THAT A TALENT FOR PSYCHOLOGICAL INTROSPECTION HINGES ON THIS SAME CIRCUITRY. SOME OF US ARE NATURALLY MORE ATTUNED TO THE EMOTIONAL MIND'S SPECIAL SYMBOLIC MODES, METAPHOR AND SIMILE, ALONG WITH POETRY, SONG, AND FABLE, ARE ALL CAST IN THE LANGUAGE OF THE HEART. SO TOO ARE DREAMS AND MYTHS, IN WHICH LOOSE ASSOCIATES DETERMINE THE FLOW OF NARRATIVE, ABIDING BY THE LOGIC OF THE EMOTIONAL MIND. THOSE WHO HAVE A NATURAL ATTUNEMENT TO THEIR OWN HEART'S VOICE - THE LANGUAGE OF EMOTION - ARE SURE TO BE MORE ADEPT AT ARTICULATING ITS MESSAGES, WHETHER AS A NOVELIST, SONGWRITER, OR PSYCHOTHERAPIST. THIS INNER ATTUNEMENT SHOULD MAKE THEM MORE GIFTED IN GIVING VOICE TO THE "WISDOM OF THE UNCONSCIOUS" - THE FELT MEANINGS OF OUR DREAMS AND FANTASIES, THE SYMBOLS THAT EMBODY OUR DEEPEST WISHES.

                               SELF-AWARENESS IS FUNDAMENTAL TO PSYCHOLOGICAL INSIGHT, THIS IS THE FACULTY THAT MUCH FOR INTRAPSYCHIC INTELLIGENCE IS SIGMUND FREUD, THE GREAT MAPPER OF THE PSYCHE'S SECRET DYNAMICS. AS FREUD MADE CLEAR, MUCH OF EMOTIONAL LIFE IS UNCONSCIOUS, FEELINGS THAT STIR WITHIN US DO NOT ALWAYS CROSS THE THRESHOLD INTO AWARENESS, EMPIRICAL VERIFICATION OF THIS PSYCHOLOGICAL AXIOM COMES, FOR INSTANCE, FROM EXPERIMENTS ON UNCONSCIOUS EMOTIONS, SUCH AS THE REMARKABLE FINDING THAT PEOPLE FORM DEFINITE LIKINGS FOR THINGS THEY DO NOT EVEN REALIZE THEY HAVE SEEN BEFORE. ANY EMOTION CAN BE - AND OFTEN IS - UNCONSCIOUS.

                          THE PHYSIOLOGICAL BEGINNINGS OF AN EMOTION TYPICALLY OCCUR BEFORE A PERSON IS CONSCIOUSLY AWARE OF THE FEELING ITSELF. FOR EXAMPLE, WHEN PEOPLE WHO FEAR SNAKES ARE SHOWN PICTURES OF SNAKES, SENSORS ON THEIR SKIN WILL DETECT SWEAT BREAKING OUT, A SIGN OF ANXIETY, THOUGH THEY SAY THEY DO NOT FEEL ANY FEAR. THE SWEAT SHOWS UP IN SUCH PEOPLE EVEN WHEN THE PICTURE OF A SNEAK IS PRESENTED SO RAPIDLY THAT THEY HAVE NO CONSCIOUS IDEA OF WHAT, EXACTLY, THEY JUST SAW, LET ALONE THAT THEY ARE BEGINNING TO GET ENXIOUS. AN SUCH PRECONSCIOUS EMOTIONAL STIRRINGS CONTINUE TO BUILD, THEY EVENTUALLY BECOME STRONG ENOUGH TO BREAK INTO AWARENESS. THUS THERE ARE TWO LEVELS OF EMOTIONS, CONSCIOUS AND UNCONSCIOUS. THE MOMENT OF AN EMOTION COMING INTO AWARENESS MARKS ITS REGISTERING AS SUCH IN THE FRONTAL CORTEX.

                       EMOTIONS THAT SIMMER BENEATH THE THRESHOLD OF AWARENESS CAN HAVE A POWERFUL IMPACT ON HOW WE PERCEIVE AND REACT, EVEN THOUGH WE HAVE NO IDEA THEY ARE AT WORK. TAKE SOMEONE WHO IS ANNOYED BY A RUDE ENCOUNTER EARLY IN THE DAY, AND THEN IS PEEVISH FOR HOURS AFTERWARD, TAKING AFFRONT WHERE NONE IS INTENTED AND SNAPPING AT PEOPLE FOR NO REAL REASON. HE MAY WELL BE OBVIOUS TO HIS CONTINUING IRRITABILITY AND WILL BE SURPRISED IF SOMEONE CALLS ATTENTION TO IT, THOUGH IT STEWS JUST OUT OF HIS AWARENESS AND DICTATES HIS CURT REPLIES. BUT ONCE THAT REACTION IS BROUGHT INTO AWARENESS - ONCE IT REGISTERS IN THE CORTEX- HE CAN EVALUATE THINGS ANEW, DECIDE TO SHRUG OFF THE FEELINGS LEFT EARLIER IN THE DAY, AND CHANGE HIS OUTLOOK AND MOOD. IN THIS WAY EMOTIONAL SELF-AWARENESS IS THE BUILDING BLOCK OF THE NEXT FUNDAMENTAL OF EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE BEING ABLE TO SHAKE OFF A BAD MOOD.