HOW OUR BRAIN WORKING

 

                              THE INTERESTING POINTS

                                     ABOUT OUR BRAIN

                                       ( OPPORTUNITY )

                            THE HUMAN BRAIN IS BY NO MEANS FULLY FORMED A BIRTH. IT CONTINUES TO SHAPE ITSELF THROUGH LIFE, WITH THE MOST INTENSE GROWTH OCCURING DURING CHILDHOOD. CHILDREN ARE BOTH WITH MANY MO NEURONS THAN THEIR MATURE BRAIN WILL RETAIN, THROUGH A PROCESS KNOWN AS "PRUNING" THE BRAIN ACTUALLY LOSES THE NEURONAL CONNECTIONS THAT ARE LESS USED, AND FORMS STRONG CONNECTION IN THOSE SYNAPTIC CIRCUITS THAT HAVE BEEN UTILIZED THE MOST. PRUNING, BY DOING AWAY WITH EXTRANEOUS SYNAPES, IMPROVES THE SIGNAL-TO-NOISE RATIO IN THE BRAIN BY REMOVING THE CAUSE OF THE "NOISE" . THIS PROCESS IS CONSTANT AND QUICK. SYNAPTIC CONNECTIONS CAN FORM IN A MATTER OF HOURS OR OR DAYS. EXPERIENCE., PARTICULARLY IN CHILDHOOD, SCULPTS THE BRAIN.

                         THE CLASSIC DEMONSTRATION OF THE IMPACT OF EXPERIENCE ON BRAIN GROWTH WAS BY NOBEL PRIZE-WINNERS THORSTEN WIESEL AND DAVID HUBEL, BOTH NEURO SCIENTISTS. THEY SHOWED THAT IN CATS AND MONKEYS, THERE WAS A CRITICAL PERIOD DURING THE FIRST FEW MONTHS OF LIFE FOR THE DEVELOPMENT OF THE SYNAPSES THAT CARRY SIGNALS FROM THE EYE TO THE VISUAL CORTEX, WHERE THOSE SIGNALS ARE INTERPRETED. IF ONE EYE WAS KEPT CLOSED DURING THAT PERIOD, THE NUMBER OF SYNAPSES FROM THAT EYE TO THE VISUAL CORTEX DWINDLED AWAY, WHILE THOSE FROM THE OPEN EYE MULTIPLIED. IF AFTER THE CRITICAL PERIOD ENDED THE CLOSED EYE WAS REOPENED. THE ANIMAL WAS FUNCTIONALLY BLIND IN THE EYE. ALTHOUGH NOTHING WAS WRONG WITH THE EYE ITSELF, THERE WERE TOO FEW CIRCUITS TO THE VISUAL CORTEX FOR SIGNALS FROM THAT EYE TO BE-INTERPRETED.

                       THE HABITS OF EMOTIONAL MANAGEMENT THAT ARE REPEATED OVER AND OVER AGAIN DURING CHILDHOOD AND THE TEENAGE YEARS WILL THEMSELVES HELP MOLD THIS CIRCUITRY. THIS MAKES CHILDHOOD A CRUCIAL WINDOW OF OPPORTUNITY FOR SHAPING LIFELONG EMOTIONAL PROPENSITIES, HABITS ACQUIRED IN CHILDHOOD BECOME SET IN THE BASIC SYNAPTIC WIRING OF NEURAL ARCHITECTURE, AND ARE HARDER TO CHANGE, LATER IN LIFE. GIVEN THE IMPORTANCE OF THE PREFRONTAL LOBES FOR MANAGING EMOTION, THE VERY LONG WINDOW FOR SYNAPTIC FOR SYNAPTIC SCULPTING IN THIS BRAIN REGION MAY WELL MEAN THAT, IN THE GRAND DESIGN OF THE BRAIN, A CHILD'S EXPERIENCES OVER THE YEARS CAN MOLD LASTING CONNECTIONS IN THE REGULATORY CIRCUITY OF THE EMOTIONAL BRAIN. AS WE HAVE SEEN, CRITICAL EXPERIENCES INCLUDE HOW DEPENDABLE AND RESPONSIVE TO THE CHILD'S NEEDS PARENTS ARE, THE OPPORTUNITIES AND GUIDANCE AND CHILD HAS IN LEARNING TO HANDLE HER OWN DISTRESS AND CONTROL IMPULSE, AND PRACTICE IN EMAPTHY. BY THE SAME TOKEN, NEGLECT OR ABUSE, THE MISATUNEMENT OF A SELF-ABSORBED OR INDIFFERENT PARENT, OR BRUTAL DISCIPLINE CAN LEAVE THEIR IMPRINT ON THE EMOTIONAL CIRCUITRY.

                        ONE OF THE MOST ESSENTIAL LESSONS, FIRST LEARNED IN INFANCY AND REFINED THROUGHOUT CHILDHOOD, IS HOW TO SOOTHE ONSELF WHEN UPSET. FOR VERY YOUNG INFANTS, SOOTHING COMES FROM CARETAKERS, A MOTHER HEARTS HER INFANT CRYING, PICKS HIM UP, HOLDS AND ROCKS HIM UNTIL HE CALMS DOWN. THIS BILOGIAL ATTUNEMENT, SOME THEORISTS PROPOSE, HELPS THE CHILD BEGIN TO LEARN HOW TO DO THE SAME FOR HIMSELF. DURING A CRITICAL PERIOD BETWEEN TEN AND EIGHTEEN MONTHS, THE ORBITOFRONTAL AREA OF THE PREFRONTAL CORTEX TEN AND EIGHTEEN MONTHS, THE ORBITOFRONTAL AREA OF THE PREFRONTAL CORTEX IS REPIDLY FORMING THE CONNECTIONS WITH THE LIMBIC BRAIN THAT WILL MAKE IT A KEY ON/OFF SWITCH FOR DISTRESS. 

                          THE INFANT WHO THROUGH COUNTLESS EPISODES OF BEING SOOTHED IS HELPTED ALONG IN LEARNING HOW TO CALM DOWN, THE SPECULATION GOES, WILL HAVE STRONGER CONNECTIONS IN THIS CIRCUIT FOR CONTROLLING DISTRESS, AND SO THROUGHOUT LIFE WILL BE BETTER AT SOOTHING HIMSELF WHEN UPSET.

                      SOME OF THE MOST TELLING OF SUCH LESSONS COME FROM PARENT TO CHILD. THERE ARE VERY DIFFERENT, EMOTIONAL HABITS INSTILLED BY PARENTS WHOSE ATTUNEMENT MEANS IN INFANT'S EMOTIONAL NEED ARE ACKNOWLEDGED AND MET OR WHOSE DISCIPLINE INCLUDES EMPATHY, ON THE ONE HAND, OR SELF-ABSORBED PARENTS WHO IGNORE A CHILD'S DISTRESS OR WHO DISCIPLINE CAPRICIOUSLY BY YELLING AND HITTING MUCH PSYCHOTHERAPY IS, IN A SENSE, A RMEDIAL TUTORIAL FOR WHAT WAS SKEWED OR MISSED COMPLETELY EARLIER IN LIFE. BUT WHY NOT DO WHAT WE CAN TO PREVENT THAT NEED, BY GIVING CHILDREN THE NUTURING AND GUIDANCE THAT CULTIVATES THE ESSENTIAL EMOTIONAL SKILLS IN THE FIRST PLACE?

THE SUPREME POWER (GOD)

                                      THE RECOGNITION 

                                      OF THE CREATOR

                                  THE VERY FUNDAMENTAL CHARATERISTIC OF THINGS IS THAT THEY RECOGNIZE THE WILL OF GOD AND OBEY HIS COMMANDS. THIS IS THE ESSENCE OF LIFE. THE FOLLOWING REVELATIONS DESCRIBE THIS TRUTH.

                        AND UNTO ALLAH PROSTRATES,'

                       WHAT SO EVER IS IN THE HEAVENS

                       AND THE EARTH, 

                       WILLINGLY OR UNWILLINGLY,

                       AND SO THEIR SHADOWS,

                       IN THE MORNING AND THE EVENING HOURS.

                                                                            ❤

                       HAS THOU NOT SEEN, 

                      UNTO ALLAH PAYS ADORATION,

                      WHATSOVER IS IN THE EARTH, 

                      AND THE SUN, AND THE MOON AND THE STARS

                      AND THE HILLS, AND THE TREES,

                       AND THE BEASTS,

                       AND MANY OF THE MANKING".

                       THESE VERSES PROVE THAT ALL THINGS RECOGNIZE THEIR CREATOR, AND ADORE HIM. THIS IS THEIR IN-BUILT INSTINCT. MAY IT BE AN ATOM OR SMALLER THAN THAT, OR BIGGER THAN THAT, ALL THINGS  OBEY THE LAWS FRAMED BY HIM. EXCEPTION CAN BE AMONG THE MANKIND, WHO FOR A LIMITED PERIOD OF THEIR STAY ON THE EARTH ARE BESTOWED WITH THE FREE WILL, TO BELIEVE OR NOT BELIEVE.

                                                                                ❤

                    THE VERSE 17 (44), FURTHER CLARIFIES THIS COMMON CHARACTERISTICS OF THINGS IN THE FOLLOWING FASHION.

                             THE SEVEN HEAVENS AND THE EARTH,

                             AND ALL THAT IS THEREIN,

                              PRAISES HIM,

                             AND THERE IS NOT A THING

                             BUT CELEBRATES HIS PRAISES,

                             YET YOU UNDERSTAND NOT THEIR PRAISE,

                             LO! HE IS EVER CLEMENT AND FORGIVING.

                           THIS VERSE MAKES IT ABSOLUTELY CLEAR THAT WITHOUT EXCEPTION, ALL THINGS HAVE THE ABILITY TO RECOGNIZE THEIR CREATOR AND AS A MANIFESTATION OF THIS RECOGNITION THEY HYMN HIS PRAISES.

                                                              👀

                              FEAR OF GOD:

                    BESIDES HYMNING THE PRAISES OF GOD, VERSE 2 (74) TELLS US THAT THINGS ALSO FEAR THEIR LORD.

                          " AND INDEED THERE ARE ROCKS,

                           WHICH FALL DOWN FOR THE FEAR OF ALLAH,

                            ALLAH IS AWARE OF WHAT YE DO".

                               

                    

                                                                           👀

                          FALLING OF ROCKS DUE TO THE FEAR FO ALLAH MEANS THAT THEY MUST HAVE A MIND WHICH IS FULLY CONSCIOUS OF THEIR CREATOR. IN THIS RESPECT AS WE SEE FROM VERSE 13, THAT EVEN THE ENERGY SYSTEMS SUCH AS THUNDER, LIGHTNINGS AND ANGLES RECOGNIZE HIM, FEAR HIM AND PRAISE THEIR LORD.

                             

                               THE THUNDER HYMN HIS PRAISE,

                              AND (SO DO) THE ANGELS,

                               FOR AWE OF HIM".

MARIAGE ADVICE FOR MEN AND WOMEN

                    

                                        HIS AND HERS 

                                     MARITAL ADVICE

                         GIVEN THE GRIM POTENTIAL OUTCOME OF THE DIFFERENCE IN HOW MEN AND WOMEN DEAL WITH DISTRESSING FEELINGS IN THEIR RELATIONSHIP, WHAT CAN COUPLES DO TO PROTECT THE LOVE AND AFFECTION THEY FEEL FOR EACH OTHER- IN SHORT, WHAT PROTECTS A MARRIAGE? ON THE BASIS OF WATCHING INTERACTION IN THE COUPLES WHOSE MARRIAGES HAVE CONTINUED TO THRIVE OVER THE YEARS, MARITAL RESEARCHES OFFER SPECIFIC ADVICE FOR MEN AND WOMEN, AND SOME GENERAL WORDS FOR BOTH. 

                          MEN AND WOMEN, IN GENERAL, NEED DIFFERENT EMOTIONAL FINE-TUNING. FOR MEN, THE ADVICE IS NOT TO SIDESTEP CONFLICT, BUT TO REALIZE THAT WHEN THEIR WIFEBRINGS UP SOME GRIEVANCE OR DISAGREEMENT, SHE MAY BE DOING IT AS AN ACT OF LOVE, TRYING TO KEEP THE RELATIONSHIP HEALTHY AND ON COURSE (ALTHOUGH THERE MAY WELL BE OTHER MOTIVES FOR A WIFE'S HOSTILITY). WHEN GRIEVANCES SIMMER, THEY BUILD AND BUILD IN INTENSITY THERE'S AN EXPOSION, WHEN THEY ARE AIRED AND WORKED OUT, IT TAKES THE PRESSURE OFF. BUT HUNDREDS NEED TO REALIZE THAT ANGER OR DISCONTENT IS NOT SYNONYMOUS WITH PERSONAL ATTACK - THEIR WIVES EMOTIONS ARE OFTEN SIMPLY UNDERLINES, EMPHASIZING THE STRENGTH OF HER FEELINGS ABOUT THE MATTER.

                          MEN ALSO NEED TO BE ON GUARD AGAINST SHORT-CIRCUITING THE DISCUSSION BY OFFERING A PRACTICAL SOLUTION TOO EARLY ON - IT'S TYPICALLY MORE IMPORTANT TO A WIFE THAT SHE FEEL HER HUSBAND HEARS HER COMPLAIN AND EMPATHIZES WITH HER FEELINGS ABOUT THE MATTER (THOUGH HE NEED NOT AGREE WITH HER ). SHE MAY HEAR HIS OFFERING ADVICE AS A WAY OF DISMISSING HER FEELINGS  AS INCONSEQUENTIAL. HUSBAND WHO ARE ABLE TO STAY WITH THEIR WIVES THROUGH THE HEAT OF ANGER, RATHER THAN DISMISSING THEIR COMPLAINTS AS PRETTY, HELP THEIR WIVES FEEL HEARD AND RESPECTED. MOST ESPECIALLY, WIVES WANT TO HAVE THEIR FEELINGS ACKNOWLEDGED AND RESPECTED A VALID, EVEN IF THEIR HUSBANDS DISAGREE. MORE OFTEN THAN NOT, WHEN A WIFE FEELS HER VIEW IS HEARD AND HER FEELINGS REGISTERED, SHE CALMS DOWN.

                         AS FOR WOMEN, THE ADVICE QUITE PARALLEL. SINCE A MAJOR PROBLEM FOR MEN IS THAT THEIR WIVES ARE TOO INTENSE IN VOICING COMPLAINTS, WIVES NEED TO MAKE A PURPOSEFUL EFFORT TO BE CAREFUL NOT TO ATTACK THEIR HUSBANDS - TO COMPLAIN ABOUT WHAT THEY DID, BUT NOT CRITICIZE THEM AS A PERSON OR EXPRESS CONTEMPT. COMPLAINS ARE NOT ATTACKS ON CHARACTER, BUT RATHER A CLEAR STATEMENT THAT A PARTICULAR ACTION IS DISTRESSING. AN ANGRY PERSONAL ATTACK WILL ALMOST CERTAINLY LEAD TO A HUSBAND'S GETTING DEFENSIVE OR STONEWALLING, WHICH WILL BE ALL THE MORE FRUSTRATING, AND ONLY ESCALATE THE FIGHT. IT HELPS, TOO, IF A WIFE'S COMPLAINTS ARE PUT IN LARGER CONTEXT OF REASSURING HER HUSBAND OF HER LOVE FOR HIM.

MARRIAGE LIFE

       

         

                                THE RELATIONSHIP OF           

                                   HUSBAND AND WIFE

                                                      ❤

                            👀  INTIMATE ENEMIES 👀

 

                               TO LOVER AND TO WORD, SIGMUND FREUD ONE REMARKED TO HIS DISCIPLE ERIK ENIKSON, ARE THE TWIN CAPACITIES THAT MARK  FULL MATURITY. IF THAT IS THE CASE, THEN MATURITY MAY BE AN ENDANGERED WAY STATION IN LIFE - AND CURRENT TRENDS IN MARRIAGE AND DIVORCE MAKE EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE MORE CRUCIAL THAN EVER.

                              CONSIDER DIVORCE RATES. THE RATE PER YEAR OF DIVORCES HAS MORE OR LESS LEVELED OFF. BUT THERE IS ANOTHER WAY OF CALCULATING DIVORCES RATES, ONE THAT SUGGESTS A PERILOUS CLIMB. LOOKING AT THE ODDS THAT A GIVEN NEWLY MARRIED COUPLE WILL HAVE THEIR MARRIAGE EVENTUALLY END IN DIVORCE. ALTHOUGH THE OVERALL RATE OF DIVORCE HAS STOPPED CLIMBING, THE RISK OF DIVORCE HAS BEEN SHIFTING TO NEWLYWEDS.

                                                                           ❤

                            THE SHIFT GETS CLEARER IN COMPARING DIVORCE RATES FOR COUPLES WED IN GIVEN YEAR. FOR AMERICAN MARRIAGES THAT BEGAN IN 1890, ABOUT 10 PERCENT ENDED IN DIVORCE. FOR THOSE WED IN 1920, THE RATE WAS ABOUT 18 PERCENT, FOR COUPLES MARRIED IN 1950, 30 PERCENT. COUPLES THAT WERE NEWLY WED IN 1970 HAD A FIFTY-FIFTY CHANCE OF SPLITTING UP OR STAYING TOGETHER. AND FOR MARRIED COUPLES STARTING OUT IN 1990, THE LIKELIHOOD THAT THE MARRIAGE WOULD END IN DIVORCE WAS PROJECTED TO BE CLOSE TO A STAGGERING 67 PERCENT . IF THE ESTIMATE HOLDS, JUST THREE IN TEN OF RECENT NEWLYWEDS CAN COUNT ON STAYING MARRIED TO THEIR NEW PARTNER. 

                        IT CAN BE ARGUED THAT MUCH OF THIS RISE IS DUE NOT SO MUCH TO A DECLINE IN EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE AS TO THE STEADY EROSION OF SOCIAL PRESSURES - THE SIGMA SURROUNDING DIVORCE, OR THE ECONOMIC DEPENDENCE OF WIVES ON THEIR HUSBANDS- THAT USED TO KEEP COUPLES TOGETHER  IN EVEN THE MOST MISERABLE OF MATCHES. BUT IF SOCIAL PRESSURES ARE NO LONGER THE GLUE THAT HOLDS A MARRAIGE TOGETHER, THEN THE EMOTIONAL FORCES BETWEEN WIFE AND HUSBAND ARE THAT MUCH MORE CRUCIAL IF THEIR UNION IS TO SURVIVE.

                           THESE TIES BETWEEN HUSBAND AND WIFE - AND THE EMOTIONAL FAULT LINE THAT CAN BREAK THEM APART -HAVE BEEN ASSAYED IN RECENT YEARS WITH A PRECISION NEVER SEEN BEFORE. PERHAPS THE BIGGEST BREAKTHROUGH IN UNDERSTANDING WHAT HOLDS A MARRIAGE TOGETHER OR TEARS IT APART HAS COME FROM THE USE OF SOPHISTICATED PHYSIOLOGICAL MEASURES THAT ALLOW THE MOVEMENT-TO-MOVEMENT TRACKING OF THE EMOTIONAL NUANCES OF A COUPLE'S ENCOUNTER. 

                                    SCIENTISTS ARE NOW ABLE TO DETECT  A HUSBAND'S OTHERWISE INVISIBLE ADRENALINE SURGES AND JUMPS IN BLOOD PRESSURE, AND TO OBSERVE FLEETING BUT TELLING MICROEMOTIONS AS THEY FLIT ACROSS A WIFE'S FACE. THESE PHYSIOLOGICAL MEASURES REVEAL A HIDDEN BILOGICAL SUBTYPICALLY IMPERCEPTIBLE TO OR DISREGARDED BY THE COUPLE THEMSELVES. THESE MEASURES LAY BARE THE EMOTIONAL FORCES THAT HOLD A RELATIONSHIP TOGETHER OR DESTROY IT. THE FAULT LINES HAVE THEIR EARLIES BEGINNINGS IN THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN THE EMOTIONAL WORLD OF GIRSL AND BOYS.

HOW OUR EMOTIONAL WORK (FEAR)

 

                         

                            EMOTIONAL RELEARNING

                                               (FEAR)

                         SUCH TRAUMATIC MEMORIES SEEM TO REMAIN AS FIXTURES IN BRAIN FUNCTION BECAUSE THEY INTERFERE WITH SUBSEQUENT LEARNING - SPECIALLY, WITH RELEARNING A MORE NORMAL RESPONSE TO THOSE TRAUMATIZING EVENTS. IN ACQUIRED FEAR SUCH AT PTSD, THE MECHANISMS OF LEARNING AND MEMORY HAVE GONE AWAY, AGAIN, IT IS THE AMYGDALA THAT IS KEY AMONG THE BRAIN REGIONS INVOLVED. BUT IN OVERCOMING THE LEARNED FEAR, THE NEOCORTEX IS CRITICAL.

                          FEAR CONDITIONING IS THE NAME PSYCHOLOGISTS USE FOR THE PROCESS WHEREBY SOMETHING THAT IS NOT IN THE LEAST THREATENING BECOMES DREADED AS IT IS ASSOCIATED IN SOMEONE'S MIND WITH SOMETHING FRIGHTENING. WHEN SUCH FRIGHTS ARE INDUCED IN LABORATORY ANIMALS, CHARNEY NOTES, THE FEARS CAN LAST FOR YEARS. THEY KEY REGION OF THE BRAIN THAT LEARNS, RETAINS, AND ACTS ON THIS FEARFUL RESPONSE IS THE CIRCUIT BETWEEN THE THALAMUS, AMYGDALA, AND PREFRONTAL LOBE- THE PATHWAY OF NEURAL HIJACKING.

                     ORDINARILY, WHEN SOMEONE LEARNS TO BE FRIGHTENED BY SOMETHING THROUGH FEAR CONDITONING, THE FEAR SUBSIDES WITH TIME. THIS SEEMS TO HAPPEN THROUGH A NATURAL RELEARNING, AS THE FEARED OBJECT IS ENCOUNTERED AGAIN IN THE ABSENSE OF ANYTHING TRULY SCARY. THUS A CHILD WHO ACQUIRES A FEAR OF DOGS BECAUSE OF BEING CHASED BY A SNARLING GERMAN SHEPHERED GRADUALLY AND NATURALLY LOSES THAT FEAR IF SAY, SHE MOVES NEXT DOOR TO SOMEONE WHO OWNS A FRIENDLY SHEPHERED, AND SPENDS TIME PLAYING WITH THE DOG.

                        IN PTSD, SPONTANEOUS  RELEARNING FAILS TO OCCUR. CAHRNEY PROPOSES THAT THIS MAY BE DUE TO THE BRAIN CHANGES OF PTSD, WHICH ARE SO STRONG THAT, IN EFFECT, THE AMYGDALA HIJACKING OCCURS EVERY TIME SOMETHING EVEN VAGUELY REMINISCENT OF THE ORIGINAL TRAUMA COMES ALONG. STRENGTHENING THE FEAR PATHWAY. THIS MEANS THAT THERE IS NEVER A TIME WHEN WHAT IS FEARED IS PAIRED IS PAIRED WITH A FEELING A CALM- THE AMYGDALA NEVER RELEARNS A MORE MILD REACTION, "EXTINCTION" OF THE FEAR, HE OBSERVES, APPEARS TO INVOLVE AN ACTIVE PROCESS", WHICH IS ITSELF IMPAIRED IN PEOPLE WITH PTSD, LEADING TO THE ABNORMAL PERSISTENCE OF EMOTIONAL MEMORIES.

                    BUT GIVEN THE RIGHT EXPERIENCES, EVEN PTSD CAN LIFT, STRONG EMOTIONAL MEMORIES, AND THE PATTERNS OF THOUGHT AND REACTION THAT THEY TRIGGER, CAN CHANGE WITH TIME, THIS RELEARNING, CHARNEY PROPOSES, IS CORTIAL. THE ORGINAL FEAR INGRAINED IN THE AMYGDALA DOES NOT GO AWAY COMPLETELY, RATHER, THE PREFRONTAL CORTEX ACTIVELY SUPPRESSESS THE AMYGDALA'S COMMAND TO THE REST OF THE BRAIN TO RESPOND WITH FEAR.

                       THE QUESTION IS, HOW QUICKLY DO YOU LET GO LEARNED FEAR? ASKS RICHARD DAVIDSON, THE UNIVERSITY OF WISCONSIN PSYCHOLOGIST WHO DISCOVERED THE ROLE OF THE LEFT PREFRONTAL CORTEX AS A DAMPER ON DISTRESS. IN A LABORATORY EXPERIMENT IN WHICH PEOPLE FIRST LEARNED AS AVERSION TO A LOUD NOISE - A PARADIGM FOR LEANED FEAR, AND A LOWER-KEY PARALLELL OF PTSD - DAVIDSON FOUND THAT PEOPLE WHO HAD MORE ACTIVITY IN THE LEFT PREFRONTAL CORTEX GOT OVER THE ACQUIRED FEAR MORE QUICKLY, AGAIN SUGGESTING A CORTICAL ROLE IN LETTING GO OF  LEARNED DISTRESS.

HOW TO BUILD YOUR CHILD WITH GOOD HABIT

 

                                             GETTING 

                            THE EMOTIONAL BASICS

                                        PARENTING TIPS

                         SAY TO TWO-MONTH-OLD BADY WAKE UP AT 3 A.M. AND STARTS CRYING, HER MOTHER COME IN AND, FOR THE NEXT HALF HOUR , THE BADLY CONTENTEDLY NURSES IN HER MOTHER'S ARMS WHILE HER MOTHER GAZES AT HER AFFECTIONATELY, TELLING HER THAT SHE'S HAPPY TO SEE HER, EVEN IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT. THE BABY, CONTENT IN HER MOTHER'S LOVE, DRIFTS BACK TO SLEEP.

                         NOW SAY ANOTHER TWO-MONTH-OLD BABY, WHO ALSO AWOKE CRYING IN THE WEE ASLEEP IS MET INSTEAD BY A MOHTER WHO IS TENSE AND IRRITABLE, HAVING FALLEN ASLEEP JUST AN HOUR BEFORE AFTER A FIGHT WITH HER HUSBAND. THE BABY STARTS TO TENSE UP THE MOMENT HIS MOTHER ABRUPTLY PICKS HIM UP, TELLING HIM, "JUST BE QUIET - I CAN'T STAND ONE MORE THING! COME ON, LET'S GET IT OVER WITH". AS THE BABY NURSES HIS MOTHER STARES STONILY AHEAD, NOT LOOKING AT HIM, REVIEWING HER FIGHT WITH HIS FATHER, GETTING MORE AGITATED HERSELF AS SHE MULLS IT OVER. THE BABY, SENSING HER TENSION, SQUIRMS, STIFFENS AND STOPS NURING. THAT'S ALL YOU WANT? HIS MOTHER SAYS, "THEN DON'T EAT, WITH THE SAME ABRUPTNESS SHE PUTS HIM BACK IN CRIB AND STALKS OUT, LETTING HIM CRY UNTIL HE FALLS BACK TO SLEEP, EXHAUSED.

                               HOW TO RAISE A BULLY

                             MUCH CAN BE LEARNED ABOUT THE LIFELONG EFFECTS OF EMOTIONALLY INEPT PARENTING - PARTICULARLY ITS ROLE IN MAKING CHILDREN AGGRESSIVE - FROM LONGITUDINAL STUDIES SUCH AS ONE OF 870 CHILDREN FROM UPSTATE NEW YORK WHO WERE FOLLOWED FROM THE TIME THEY WERE EIGHT UNTIL THEY WERE THIRTY. THE MOST BELLIGERENT AMONG THE CHILDREN- THOSE QUICKEST TO START FIGHTS AND WHO HABITUALLY USED FORCE TO GET THEIR WAY - WERE THE MOST LIKELY TO HAVE DROPPED OUT OF SCHOOL AND , BY AGE THIRTY, TO HAVE A RECORD FOR CRIMES OF VIOLENCE. THEY ALSO SEEMED TO BE HANDING DOWN THEIR PROPENSITY TO VIOLENCE, THEIR ALSO SEEMED TO HANDLING DOWN THEIR PROPENSITY TO VIOLENCE, THEIR WERE IN GRADE SCHOOL, JUST LIKE THE TROUBLEMAKERS THEIR DELINQUIET PARENT HAD BEEN.

                          THERE IS A LESSON IN HOW AGGRESSIVENESS IS PASSED FROM GENERATION TO GENERATION. ANY INHERITED PROPENSITIES ASIDE, THE TROUBLEMAKERS AS GROWN UPS ACTED IN A WAY THAT MADE FAMILY LIFE A SCHOOL FOR AGGRESSION. AS CHILDREN, THE TROUBLEMAKERS HAD PARENTS WHO DISCIPLINED THEM WITH ARBITRARY, RELENTLESS SEVERITY, AS PARENTS THEY REPEATED THE PATTERN. THIS WAS TRUE WHETHER IT HAD BEEN THE FATHER OR THE MOTHER WHO HAD BEEN IDENTIFIED IN CHILDREN AS HIGHLY AGGRESSIVE. AGGRESSIVE LITTLE GIRLS GREW UP TO BE JUST AS ARBITRARY AND HARSHLY PUNITIVE WHEN THEY BECAME MOTHERS AS THE AGGRESSIVE BOYS WERE AS FATHERS. AND WHILE THEY PUNISHED THEIR CHILDREN WITH SPECIAL SEVERITY, THEY OTHERWISE TOOK LITTLE INTEREST IN THEIR CHILDREN'S LIVES. 

  

                        IN EFFECT IGNORING THEM MUCH OF THE TIME. AT THE SAME TIME THE PARENTS OFFERED THESE CHILDREN A VIVID - AND VIOLENT - EXAMPLE OF AGGRESSIVENESS, A MODEL THE CHILDREN TOOK WITH THEM TO SCHOOL AND TO THE PLAYGROUND, AND FOLLOWED THROUGHOUT LIFE. THE PARENTS WERE NOT NECESSARILY MEAN-SPIRITED, NOR DID THEY FAIL TO WISH THE BEST FOR THEIR CHILDREN, RATHER , THEY SEEMED TO BE SIMPLY REPEATING THE STYLE OF PARENTING THAT HAD BEEN MODELED FOR THEM BY THEIR OWN PARENTS.

                      IN THIS MODEL FOR VIOLENCE THESE CHILDREN WERE DISCIPLINED CAPRICIOUSLY. IF THEIR PARENTS WERE IN A BAD MOOD, THEY COULD GET AWAY WITH MAYHEM AT HOME. THUS PUNISHMENT CAME NOT SO MUCH BECAUSE OF WHAT THE CHILD HAD DONE, BUT BY VIRTUE OF HOW THE PARENT FELT. THIS IS A RECIPE FOR FEELINGS OF WORTHLESSNESS AND HELPLESSNESS, AND FOR THE SENSE THAT THREATS ARE EVERYWHERE AND MAY STRIKE AT ANY TIME. SEEN IN LIGHT OF THE HOME LIFE THAT SPAWNS IT, SUCH CHILDREN'S CAMBATIVE AND DEFIANT POSTURE TOWARD THE WORLD AT LARGE MAKES A CERTAIN SENSE, UNFORTUNATE THROUGH IT REMAINS. WHAT IS DISHEARTENING IS HOW EARLY THESE DISPRITING LESSONS CAN BE LEARNED, AND HOW GRIM THE COSTS FOR A CHILD'S EMOTIONAL LIFE CAN BE.

HOW OUR EMOTIONAL FEELINGS ARE WORK

 

                             FEELING (EMOTIONAL)

                                         HEART START

                            THE IMPACT OF PARENTING ON EMOTIONAL COMPETENCE STARTS IN THE CRADLE. DR. T. BERRY BRAZELTON, THE EMINENT, HARVARD PEDEATRICIAN, HAS A SIMPLE DIAGNOSTIC TEST OF A BABY'S BASIC OUTLOOK TOWARD LIFE. HE OFFERS TWO BLOCKS TO AN EIGHT-MONTH-OLD , AND THEN SHOWS THE BABY HOW HE WANS HER TO PUT THE TWO BLOCKS TOGETHER. A BABY WHO IS HOPEFUL ABOUT LIFE, WHO HAS CONFIDENCE IN HER OWN ABILITIES, SAYS BRAZELTON,

                                                                              ❤

                             WILL PICK UP ONE BLOCK, MOUTH IT, RUB IT IN HER HAIR, DROP IT OVER THE SIDE OF THE TABLE, WATCHING TO SEE WHETHER YOU WILL RETRIEVE IT FOR HER. WHEN YOU DO, SHE FINALLY COMPLETES TEH REQUESTED TASK - PLACE THE TWO BLOCKS TOGETHER. THEN SHE LOOKS UP AT YOU WITH A BRIGHT-EYED LOOK OF EXPECTANCY THAT SAYS, "TELL ME HOW GREAT I AM".

                              BABIES LIKE THESE HAVE GOTTEN A GOODLY DOSE OF APPROVAL AND ENCOURAGEMENT FROM THE ADULTS IN THEIR LIVES, THEY EXPECT TO SUCCEED IN LIFE'S LITTLE CHALLENGES. BY CONTRAST, BABIES WHO COME FROM HOMES TOO BLEAK, CHAOTIC, OR NEGLECTFUL GO ABOUT THE SAME TASK IN A WAY THAT SIGNALS THEY ALREADY EXPECT TO FAIL. IT IS NOT THAT THESE BABIES FAIL TO BRING THE BLOCKS TOGETHER, THEY UNDERSTAND THE INSTRUCTION AND HAVE THE COORDINATION TO COMPLY. BUT EVEN WHEN THEY DO, REPORTS BRAZELTON, THEIR DEMEANOR IS "HANGDOG" A LOOK THAT SAYS, I'M NO GOOD. SEE, I'VE FAILED, "SUCH CHILDREN ARE LIKELY TO GO THROUGH LIFE WITH A DEFEATIST OUTLOOK, EXPECTING NO ENCOURAGEMENT OR INTEREST FROM TEACHERS, FINDING SCHOOL JOYLESS, PERHAPS EVENTUALLY DROPPING OUT.

                         THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE TWO OUTLOOKS - CHILDREN WHO ARE CONFIDENT AND OPTIMSTIC VERSUS THOSE WHO EXPECT TO FAIL- STARTS TO TAKE SHAPE IN THE FIRST FEW YEARS OF LIFE. PARENTS, SAYS BRAZELTON, "NEED TO UNDERSTAND HOW THEIR ACTIONS CAN HELP GENERATE THE CONFIDENCE, THE CURIOSITY, THE  PLEASURE IN LEARNING AND THE UNDERSTANDING OF LIMITS " THAT HELP CHILDREN SUCCEED IN LIFE. HIS ADVICE IS INFORMED BY A GROWING BODY OF EVIDENCE SHOWING THAT SUCCESS IN SCHOOL DEPENDS TO A SURPRISING EXTENT ON EMOTIONAL CHARACTERISTICS FORMED IN THE YEARS BEFORE A CHILD ENTERS SCHOOL. THE ABILITY OF FOUR-YEARS-OLDS TO CONTROL THE IMPULSE TO GRAB FOR A MARSHMALLOW PREDICTED A 210 POINT ADVANTAGE IN THEIR SAT SCORES FOURTEEN YEARS LATER.

                                                                                    ❤ 

                         THE FIRST OPPORTUNITY FOR SHAPING THE INGREDIENTS OF EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE IS IN THE EARLIEST YEARS, THOUGH THESE CAPACITIES CONTINUE TO FORM THROUGHOUT THE SCHOOL YEARS. THE EMOTIONAL ABILITIES CHILDREN ACQUIRE IN LATER LIFE BUILD ON THOSE OF THE EARLIEST YEARS. AND THESE ABILITIES, AS WE SAW IN CHAPTER 6, ARE THE ESSETIAL FOUNDATION FOR ALL LEARNING. A REPORT FROM THE NATIONAL CENTER FOR CLINICAL INFANT PROGRAMS MAKES THE POINT THAT SCHOOL SUCCESS IS NOT PREDICTED BY A CHILD'S FUND OF FACTS OR A PRECOCIOUS  ABILITY TO READ SO MUCH AS BY EMOTIONAL AND SOCIAL MEASURES, BEING SELF-ASSURED AND INTERESTED, KNOWING WHAT KIND OF BEHAVIOR IS EXPECTED AND HOW TO REIN IN THE IMPULSE TO MISBEHAVE, BEING ABLE TO WAIT, TO FOLLOW DIRECTIONS, AND TO TURN TO TEACHERS FOR HELP., AND EXPRESSING NEEDS WHILE GETTING ALONE WITH OTHER CHILDREN.

                                 ALMOST ALL STUDENTS WHO DO POORLY IN SCHOOL, SAYS THE REPORT, LACK ONE OR MORE OF THESE ELEMENTS OF EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE (REGARDLESS OF WHETHER  THEY ALSO HAVE COGNITIVE DIFFICULTIES SUCH AS LEARNING DISABILITIES) THE MAGNITUDE OF THE PROBLEM IS NOT MINOR, IN SOME STATES CLOSE TO ONE IN FIVE CHILDREN HAVE TO REPEAT FIRST GRADE, AND THEN AS THE YEARS GO ON FALL FURTHER BEHIND THEIR PEERS, BECOMING INCREASINGLY DISCOURAGED, RESENTFUL AND DISRUPTIVE.

                          A CHILD'S READINESS FOR SCHOOL DEPENDS ON THE MOST BASIC OF ALL KNOWLEDGE, HOW TO LEARN. THE REPORT LISTS THE SEVEN KEY INGREDIENTS OF THIS CRUCIAL CAPACITY - ALL RELATED TO EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE.

                            👀 1. CONFIDENCE : A SENSE OF CONTROL AND MASTERY OF ONE'S BODY, BEHAVIOR AND WORLD, THE CHILD'S SENSE THAT HE IS MORE LIKELY NOT TO SUCCEED AT WHAT HE UNDERTAKES, AND THAT ADULTS WILL BE HELPFUL.

                           👀 2. CURIOSITY : THE SENSE THAT FINDING OUT ABOUT THINGS IS POSITIVE AND LEADS TO PLEASURE.

                        👀   3. INTENTIONALLY : THE WISH AND CAPACITY TO HAVE AN IMPACT, AND TO ACT UPON THAT WITH PERSISTENCE. THIS IS RELATED TO A SENSE OF COMPETENCE, OF BEING EFFECTIVE.

                        👀    4. SELF-CONTROL : THE ABILITY TO MODULATE AND CONTROL ONE'S OWN ACTIONS IN AGE-APPROPRIATE WAYS, A SENSE OF INNER CONTROL.

                       👀    5. RELATEDNESS : THE ABILITY TO ENGAGE WITH OTHERS BASED ON THE SENSE OF BEING UNDERSTOOD BY A UNDERSTANDING OTHERS.

                       👀     6. CAPACITY TO COMMUNICATE : THE WISH AND ABILITY TO VERBALLY EXHANGE IDEAS, FEELINGS, AND CONCEPTS WITH OTHERS. THIS IS RELATED TO SENSE OF TRUST IN OTHERS AND OF PLEASURE IN ENGAGING WITH OTHERS, INCLUDING ADULTS.

                        👀  7. CO OPERATIVENESS : THE ABILITY TO BALANCE ONE'S OWN NEEDS WITH THOSE OF OTHERS IN GROUP ACTIVITY.

                               WHETHER OR NOT A CHILD ARRIVES AT SCHOOL ON THE FIRST DAY OF KINDERGARTEN WITH THESE CAPABILITIES DEPENDS GREATLY ON HOW MUCH HER PARENTS - AND PRESCHOOL TEACHERS - HAVE GIVEN HER THE KIND OF CARE THAT AMOUNTS TO A "HEART START", THE EMOTIONAL EQUIVALENT OF THE HEAD START PROGRAMS.